--- frank discussion ---
So here i am, Day 2 of my latest writing assignment, and i'm already drawing a blank. Whatever would Sir say, to hear that His sub was having trouble so soon?
To be the perfect submissive slut for Sir, i would be more judicious with my words. This goes hand in hand with yesterday's topic about checking my attitude. i have this crazy dichotomy going on -- sometimes i talk way too much, getting my point of view out there for everyone to hear (whether they want to or not), and sometimes when Sir asks for my opinion, i clam right up and don't say anything.
What i need to learn, is when to be more verbose, and when to shut up and be quiet. i haven't figured that out quite yet. Sometimes Sir likes to be playful, and i don't always "get it," you know? i take it too seriously, and then my mouth tends to get me in trouble. If something strikes me wrong, i jump right in with my reasons and my why-i-won'ts, instead of biding my time and waiting to see what Sir's intentions are, what He wants. Sometimes He'll start off in one direction, only to turn it around later on, and when i make assumptions about where He's going with it, i invariably end up in the wrong place, and He has to correct me, where if i'd only been patient and quiet and waited a bit, i would have been able to avoid that correction.
i also have a bad habit of correcting people's grammar. In case you haven't guessed by now, i fancy myself a bit of a wordsmith - i enjoy words, enjoy the language, and it's a pet peeve of mine when others misuse it. And really, what difference does it make in my life if someone says "taunt" when they mean "taut"? But no, i have to point it out. And again, i would be farther ahead to just keep quiet and let it pass. i don't have to prove anything.
The flip side of my word problem most often occurs when Sir grants me permission to state my opinions freely. i tend to hide behind an attitude of shyness and don't really say much of anything. In this case i'm intimidated, afraid to actually speak my mind for fear of saying the wrong thing, even though Sir assures me He wants to know what i'm thinking. Sir does not often let me get away with it, of course, and He'll demand that i tell Him what's on my mind. And eventually i spill my guts, and then He knows. But i need to work on being more open immediately when Sir allows me to speak freely.
Sometimes i wonder if i'd do better having a speech restriction, just like Sir has given me a restriction on orgasms. If my only allowable words were "Yes, Sir," "No, Sir," or "This slut does not understand, Sir," maybe i'd be better able to rein in my runaway tongue. And having been forced to respond with such a limited vocabulary, maybe i'd be more willing to state my concerns/opinions/wishes when Sir does grant His sub permission to do so. i don't know. Maybe i'd end up so resentful that i'd say something really stupid.
So the task before me is two-fold: to hold my tongue and keep my peace when Sir is speaking, trusting that whatever He tells me is uttered with my best interests in mind; and to loosen the self-imposed strictures i place on myself when Sir tells me to share what i'm thinking. It's not my place to try to figure out what His intentions are, or to make assumptions about what Sir is thinking. By coupling yesterday's determination to check my attitude with today's plan to choose my words - both the frequency and the content - carefully, i believe i will be moving closer to Sir's ideal.
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