Can You Come Out and Play?

--- frank discussion ---


In order to be the perfect submissive slut for Sir, i would have to be more open to, shall we say, the possibility of allowing a playmate to join us.

You have to understand that i hate the very thought of this. Everything in me screams that this is a terrible idea. i hate, loathe, despise, and am repulsed by it. i have no words for how deeply i believe this. i am still a person with thoughts and feelings and a heart of my own; i am not a bag of chips to be passed around at a party.

And yes, i am well aware that there are slaves/subs out there who ARE passed around by their Masters. i cannot speak for them, nor do i say it is wrong of them to comply. But for me - no. At the end of the day, i have to be proud of who i am and of what i have done. i simply cannot fathom how being turned into a party favor would make me proud of myself. 

Any readers out there may well be wondering how in the world i can say i'm a sub, and that Sir owns me, when i feel so strongly about this. And yes, this is one of the issues i've alluded to in the past, one of the things i am not ready to do. Sir has made His position very clear - this is something He wants us to do. "It's simple," He says. No, really, it isn't. This is not the same as wearing no underwear to work, or skipping lunch to call Him, or arranging a weekend away from my son. This is my Sir, whom i have entrusted with my whole self, turning around and giving that gift away to God only knows who, and expecting me to be happy about it. i feel backed into a corner ... 

Sir would like very much for me to go online to an alternate lifestyle web site and seek a potential playmate. He maintains that He will keep me safe, that He will make sure i am not harmed, that He will screen anyone i may initiate contact with. He keeps saying it's a matter of me trusting Him. i don't see it that way; i DO trust Him, but i'm not leaning out of a plane with only His grip on the back of my shirt, either. 

Still, i HAVE perused a couple of sites, and i HAVE created a profile to see if there's any interest out there. i am not thrilled, i am not happy, but as an exercise in obedience, i have done that much. i have also sent a message to one person who seemed to meet Sir's qualifications. i have not had a response, which likely means, i'm not going to get one, and i'll have to reach out to someone else. It makes me sick to my stomach, but i will choose someone. As for the rest of it - i will simply have to take things one step at a time, and see what happens. i still feel ill, and it has taken me so, so long to even get this far. i resent being pushed into it, frankly, but part of that is my fault; i asked Sir to take me on. And we have argued about it before - more than once - and Sir always, always gets His way in the end. i can only hope that Sir is right, and that He will guard my safety and well-being through all of it. i am trying so hard to truly submit; it scares the shit out of me.