The Silence is Deafening

--- frank discussion ---


In order to become the perfect submissive slut for Sir, i would spend an entire day in silence.

i have mentioned that i like to talk.... and i know that it sometimes drives Sir crazy. So in order to become closer to His ideal submissive, i will refrain from speaking. No arguing, no defending, no jumping in to make my point or prove i'm right.

Of course, this means i will have very little to write about. i have very little experience in just being quiet.

i am trying, honest, to be pliant, not only physically, but mentally as well. i've talked a lot these past several days about the things that bother me. Now i want to find out what happens when i consciously choose to not be bothered. And i think the quickest way for me to enter that place of quiet servitude is, literally, to be quiet.

i may not like or appreciate or agree with everything, and Sir has made it clear that i can ask Him, in a respectful manner, to clarify anything i'm unsure of, and i'm allowed to express my opinions. And i appreciate that, very much.  i like to consider myself an intelligent person, and i am not a mindless automaton to be ordered about simply for the sake of being ordered. i don't need Sir to abuse me or tell me i'm worthless or humiliate me or anything like that. That's not what i'm here for.

But for all that - i have not ever really been quiet. Oh, sure, i've had times when i've had very little to say. Most of my college career comes to mind, actually. i was very shy, and i wouldn't express my opinion for anything. i was content to hang back and listen to others, to just be in the background and keep my own counsel. And in many ways i'm still like that. But even then, my mind is constantly whirring with all i need to do or get or accomplish or move toward. i don't seem to ever just BE, you know? i'd like to be able to just be, to feel and experience and breathe and relax and let go.

So one step in my journey toward perfect submission is to be quiet, to be still, to relax under Sir's direction and allow Him to command me, without automatically jumping in to protest or point out why it's not a good idea. In my head, i tend to think i'm being perfectly reasonable - logical, even. What it mostly boils down to is, i seem to have a need to always be on guard, to protect myself, to fend off any potential danger before it can get close enough to hurt me. And especially so when i'm placing myself in vulnerable situations. The more variables that are introduced, the less control one has, and the greater potential for harm. And i dearly want to avoid harm.

Of course there are all the old cliches like "No pain, no gain," and "No reward without risk."  And they're good advice, generally speaking, but so is "Look before you leap." i have always been someone who needs to know all the details, in advance, all the pros and cons and contingencies, and to be denied them - well, it's not exactly a comfortable place for me. So when i say i want to just be, i really want to be able to relax and trust and not have to think about everything all the time. And i struggle with it. But i know Sir would appreciate it, so i'm working on making it happen.