i am very glad i made the decision to continue in my journey to submission. i know i have a long, long way to go, and i also know it will not be an easy process. And yes, that scares me a little. By surrendering all control, i potentially open myself to situations or expectations i am not comfortable with or ready for or even willing to contemplate at this point in time. But i have to hold fast to the belief that in the end, all these growing pains will be worth it.
It helps immeasurably that my Sir told me that i did well on our retreat. That made me feel good, and helped ease some of my lingering doubts about my ability to serve in an acceptable way. i am discovering that this is baggage i carry from other aspects of my life - a belief that i am somehow defective, unworthy, unable to adequately perform. It both surprises and saddens me to realize how deep this streak of self-doubt runs in me.
My Sir introduced me to the cane on our retreat. He did nothing more than demonstrate how it would be used in the event that i totally failed Him, but i took that lesson seriously. And even during my mini-meltdown, the cane stayed in the corner. Sir was very generous with His slut in allowing me the time i needed to recover. i took that gift to heart - i brought the cane back with me, and i have it hanging in my closet where i will see it every day. Both the cane and my Sir's token are physical, tangible reminders to me, every single day, of my decision to serve, my commitment to learn, my desire to become my Sir's willing submissive.
And The Journey has begun have much fun :) ... A Fellow of Long :)
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