Adrift at Sea

So it's been a few days since i've returned from my retreat with Sir, and i've had time to resume my routine. Now, routine is not necessarily bad ... it depends on the reasons behind it. 

Am i using my routine as a tool to practice obedience? If so, it's a good thing. Am i using routine to hide, or because it's comfortable and safe? If so, then perhaps it's time to shake things up a bit. 

i think i have a little of both happening. i asked to continue with the ice cube every morning, because it really did make me think of Sir first thing. i find it safe, now, as well as a way to get my thoughts focused in the morning. The kneeling is more of a chore than anything, which i believe is a lesson in obedience, because it isn't fun or easy, even now. Reciting my devotion every night when i go to bed lets me think about Sir, and my choice to continue on my journey, every night before i go to sleep. 

i do recognize that my feelings about things change like the tides..... any change in the wind can cause me to re-evaluate where i stand. i'm working on maintaining a more even temperament, especially in regards to my submission. It is a choice that i have to make every day, sometimes every hour, especially when issues outside of sex crop up. In those cases it is not always in my best interests to play the submissive; sometimes i do have to stand firm on what i want, on what i'll accept, because otherwise i become a door mat and i get stepped on. Sexually, however, i find that sometimes those outside issues influence my willingness to be submissive, even though it should be separate, and even though i know better. i find myself reacting because of the baggage i'm carrying from outside, not strictly due to what's happening at the moment. This is something i've only recently recognized, and something i know i need to be more cognizant of, so i can identify when it's happening and redirect my actions more appropriately.

But i've also come to realize that i am only human, and sometimes i will err.  And as long as i accept whatever disciplinary action Sir deems appropriate and resolve to learn from my mistakes and keep moving on, i can let go of those missteps instead of obsessing over them and feeling like i will never be worthy of, or capable of, growing in submission. As long as i keep making progress, as long as i keep making the decision to submit, i will keep growing and learning and developing and becoming.