Churning

---- frank sexual discussion ---


Where, oh where shall I start today?

I have been really struggling the past few days with how to merge the sexually submissive side of me with the need I have to be strong and self-sufficient....... I guess I still seem to equate "submissive" with "weak."--> And that is a problem. I won't be able to fully let go of control if I can't get past that mindset. 

Here's what I mean: I was engaged with my Sir this morning and I just kept taking everything He said in the wrong way, and I first tried to argue, then just clammed up. At one point I felt like He was chastising me, and I hadn't done anything wrong, and I just couldn't do it anymore. I just could not sit there all meek and quiet when I felt like I was being attacked for no reason, and I turned away from my Sir so that He would not see me cry. Ugh. I was so overwhelmed and unbalanced, and I just found it impossible to continue. I worry that I will be lost in this, that the essence of me will disappear. I know it's not really true, but lately I can't seem to help feeling this way. It's very, very hard, and I am really having a bad time with it. 

Another issue I'm having is the expectation that I will do whatever I am told, whenever I am told, with no questions or hesitation. For the life of me I cannot willingly make that commitment. And I know it isn’t making Sir happy, but I just cannot bring myself to do it. God only knows what I’ll be told to do….. I’m terrified.  Not only of what the task might be, but because by failing the task I’ll be failing Sir as well. 

The third problem I’m having was brought out today. I was with Sir, and He had me fill His pussy (remember, all I have and am belongs to Him) with a dozen ice cubes – very, very cold, and not much room in there – then seal it with my anal plug. Once that was accomplished, I was told to play with my clit and bring myself close to climax, but I wasn’t allowed to cum. Once I was riding that knife's edge - kept on the verge of orgasm but not being allowed to fall over - He started talking, in a loud firm voice, telling me I would be used for His pleasure, that I would be His perfect slut, that He could do whatever he wanted to me and I would accept it, that I am a dirty slut..... and I knew He wanted me to say "Yes, Sir" to all of it, and I did, but in my head I was calling Him a fucking bastard. My self-esteem already sucks, I don't need to be called derogatory names. That doesn't make me want to be His, really. I'm not in this to be insulted or abused or humiliated. 

Like I said, I am really struggling with this. I'm sure things will seem better tomorrow, and perhaps I'll be able to say all of it - and mean it - before too much longer. But right now, today, I can't do it. I've cried over it, thought about it, put it away for a while. I don't want to quit, and I don't want to fail; I DO want to succeed and to feel safe and protected and know I have pleased my Sir. I'm not giving up..... but God, this is hard.