Yup, 'tis true -- last night held more of the same frustrations and failures as yesterday morning. Having had a day to reflect on it, and a nice long conversation with my Sir, i've come to realize that there are 2 things, really, that get in the way of my progress on this journey:
Fear. And self-doubt.
Fear, while generally a good indicator for self-preservation, is not always rational nor necessary, and that seems to be where all of my major concerns fall - fear of failing. Fear of what others might think. Fear of disappointing my Sir. Fear of discovering that i'm not really cut out to be a submissive after all. Fear of being used/manipulated/abused/taken advantage of/whatever.
Then add to that my own self-doubts; things like, i'll never be good enough, never perform well enough, never BE enough... it's always more and more and more and i just can't do it.
Spin the two together and they feed each other..... fear leads to doubt which leads to more fear which leads to more doubt, and finally the whole thing blows up in a spectacular explosion of anger and bitterness.
But - and here's the lesson i'm learning, every day, every day -- fears can be faced and overcome. Doubts can be proven false over time. That is what i'm striving for, that is what i'm working toward, so that one day i will be able to proudly say, i am His sub, and be confident in my standing and my ability to serve Him well.
Fear, Self Doubt, Hmmm Miss Trixi67... I could give you all the psycho babble shit I gave you before but really? What would that help, look forgive me for saying so but "SO" we all have fear of one sort or another, when in the streets of Philidelphia, Pa....A Place I am well acquainted with I walk down the street at night and yes at some ally intersection there is an anticipation of fear, its all that part of human nature, let me reiterate "SO" put your big girl panties on and go whats the worst that can happen, what are you really afraid of? nothing ventured nothing gained, so yes walk on keep steppin girl, you might get burned, hurt, bruised, or battered but remember this sometimes your the windsheild and sometimes your the bug it all comes down to if the juice is worth the squeeze, fear in itself is like death, fear is a rut that keeps you stagnant and moldy whilst it may be true that there is a comfortable feeling of the old socks weve worn all day, and that by removing them its an uncomfortable feeling, it is equally true that a warm pair to replace them just out of the dryer is oh so much better, now do you have a foot fetish...this Id like to know lol, ok so seriously fear is what drives that whole flight or fight syndrome but surely you wouldn't be allowing this space in your head to be rented so arduously writing these blogs if you didn't want the experience of something different and enlightening jump in take the plunge and come out on the other side a new beautiful you the shock of the first jump is uncomfortable indeed however when the waters warm you'll find a new nesting spot to enjoy people rarely look back on their life and regret that which they didn't do, it is almost exactly opposite of theat they look back on their lives and regret that which they failed to do! and well as for self doubt just know you are who you are any man willing to Dom you in any way must know to be patient, with understanding and gracefulness, it is not a weakness in fact it is your strength that drives you to try the something more you seek, give yourself credit "you choose to chance rapids, and dare to dance the tides" as best quoted from Garth Brooks (country singer) this is what makes you stronger than most to have tried and failed is allways better than to never have tried at all, it also appears that you have had some experiences with this lifestyle that you have for certain considered desireable, otherwise you wouldn't still be here trying to let go of your inhibitions, all I can say is get a clear understanding of what you like regardless of what that is and then scream it from the rooftop when some critices it you look them dead in the eye and say I'd have it no other way if someone questions your desire for it you say Absolutely and with conviction stand for it and it will stand for you become your desire and let it become of you in this way your lifestyle will grow and develop with a maturity and secure position that in turn will eradicate any possible fear or doubt that you may have now...with this said continue your journey and develop your desired skillset besides sometimes pain is love and others love is pain the relation there is but a matter of perspective just choose to see it from the other side and you will be fine, hope this helps...A fellow of long :)
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