Advance and retreat

-- frank sexual discussion --



So my time away with my Sir is winding down, and i have both improved and backslid. i think i am ending on a good note, but honestly, there was a point yesterday when i lost it and nearly walked away. And my only excuse is that i panicked. Sir was not pleased. 

Long story short, Sir often reinforces His ownership and His expectations by speaking sternly to me while we are engaged in sexual situations, often while i am sucking Him, and of course i am to respond appropriately. Well, yesterday morning as He was speaking, He brought up an issue i have always been resistant to, and i just broke. i started to get up from the bed, spitting out some comment about how i was done, and He grabbed my arm and threw me back to the bed, pinning me down with a hand spanning my throat. And then He spoke, quietly but deadly serious, reminding me that i had willingly and voluntarily entered into this arrangement, that i had told Him i wanted to learn submission, that i had told Him i needed the structure, and that He had agreed to teach me. 

And He told me to lose my fucking attitude, because i was getting in my own way and allowing my fears to rule me. And i bit my tongue, because even though i hated to admit it, He was right, about all of it. i freely admit that i have so, so far to go, and so, so much to learn about service and devotion, and sometimes i despair of ever being able to truly accomplish it. But i swallowed, hard, and when He asked me if i regretted my choice, i said, No, Sir. And when He asked me if i wanted to continue the journey, i answered, Yes, Sir. After evaluating me critically for a short while, He accepted my answer, and we continued. 

But i think He recognized that i was simply overwhelmed at the moment, because the tone of the rest of the day was more relaxed. i was given the time to absorb that latest lesson, to mull it over, to ponder, then to accept and move on. And that is my pattern - i resist, i ponder, i accept and move forward. It is a process, a long, sometimes arduous process, but still i can see where progress is being made.

This morning when i awoke, i decided i was not going to quit, so i did what Sir has told me He wants, which is to wake Him with a morning blow job. i pulled Him into my mouth and began sucking Him, feeling His cock swelling in my mouth. And honestly, i had a terrible time with my gag reflex today; ugh, it was awful. But i did not quit, or say it was too hard. i gagged, choked, regrouped and dived in again, and it got a bit better. Sir seemed pleased with my initiative, but then He tested me. Or at least, it felt like a test to me. i was ordered to insert my anal plug before i would be allowed to continue sucking Him. He knows i really don't like like it - i really, really don't. But i complied, whimpering out some "Ow"'s when the plug stretched me. And then Sir told me i wasn't allowed to say Ow, so then i was silent as i pushed the plug past the painful part and into place. At that point i was allowed to resume sucking His cock, and He began repeating His lessons from yesterday, about what He owns and how He may use it, and i responded with the appropriate Yes, Sir.

At that point Sir had me remove the plug so He could have use of His ass (remember, He owns everything) and He fucked it and gifted it with His cum. Afterward, i cleaned Him off with my tongue, and we talked.  He asked me again if i wanted to continue, and i reiterated my wish to keep learning, to keep on this path i have chosen.

And then Sir honored me by presenting me with His token, a lovely silver chain i am to wear always, to remind myself daily of my commitment to serve and acceptance of His teachings. He knows (and i know He knows because He told me, in so many words) that i will screw up again, many times, but that the rewards will be worth the effort as long as i allow them to be. 

i'm clinging to that promise, because i do feel better, and more settled, and less frantic, when i comply and serve. My biggest stumbling block will be getting out of my own way, and learning that submission is actually a position of strength. That is the goal.