Fall Clean-up

It snowed here today, quite early this morning, great big fat flakes that floated gently to earth and covered the ground with a thin blanket of white, hiding the old dead leaves and the brown grass. It was easy to look at all that crisp fresh whiteness and think, Oooh, how pretty - all the moldering remains of Fall's decay are gone.

Of course, that was true only on the surface. Underneath that snowy layer lurked the dead crumbling leaves, the dry brown lawn, the broken twigs and crushed acorn shells. Adding the snow doesn't clear away the detritus, it merely disguises it. When the sun shines bright and melts away the snow, all the leaves and twigs and acorns are still there. What's really needed, then, is to get out the rake (or the mower) and clean up the yard, removing all the decaying bits and clearing the way for winter's restful period, before spring's rebirth.  

And i thought, It seemed appropriate. i have autumn times - where my soul feels dried up and crumbling, and i'm losing any sense of peace and joy; times when (through no fault of Sir's, just my own) i feel neglected or under-appreciated or lonely or confused; times when i get bogged down under decaying attitudes, moldering fears and dried-up ways of looking at life. Then when the snow comes - a brief respite where i break out of my routine and add a layer of newness - i can fool myself into thinking that those old patterns are gone. But the truth is, those decaying attitudes and moldering fears are still there, and what i really need to do is to get out the rake and clean up the yard. When the self-doubt is cleared away, there is room for self-assurance to take root. When i can let go of fear, there is room for exploration. When self-imposed limits are uprooted, there is room for new experiences to blossom.

And just like with a physical yard, cleaning up doesn't happen only once; it is a continual process. i'll keep working on clearing away the self-doubt, the self-imposed limitations, the nagging fears, and along the way, hopefully i'll reap self-confidence, satisfaction from service, openness to new ideas. Sir always asks if i trust Him; i keep saying, It isn't a matter of trust; it's a matter of getting out of my own way, working on issues inside me, learning to clear out the things that hold me back so that new attitudes can take root. Sticking to my daily tasks helps with that, forcing me to focus on Sir and how i am to serve Him, reiterating what He expects of me, training (slowly, yes, but making progress nonetheless!) myself into obedience. i still have a long way to go, of course. i will be Sir's work-in-progress for as long as He'll have me. But i do see that i have the potential to make Him proud, and when i do, then i'll receive the things i need, as well.