Playdate's Eve

--- frank sexual discussion ---


You may recall that in my last post, i said that my Sir and i had planned a couple days away..... our time begins tomorrow. i am looking forward to the chance to spend some time away, without distraction, to reinforce the lessons i have so recently learned, to drive home the behavioral changes i have begun to make, to prove to myself that i am capable of learning to please my Sir. i am nervous, yes, especially in regards to my mental attitude; right now i am content and at peace, and i want it to stay that way. i am also eager, because Sir is generous with His rewards when i have earned them, and i do want to earn (and then enjoy!) them.

My Sir did point out an error i had made in my last post, one that was quite unintentional, but one that was made, nonetheless: i referred to His property as my own. i meant no disrespect, and in truth i do know and acknowledge His ownership. i was not being cheeky or disrespectful, nor was i trying to repudiate His claim. In fact, i am horrified by my misstatement. That is one area i do struggle with, at times, especially when trying to describe my own reactions; in attempting to fully convey my feelings and thoughts, i inadvertently slip into older patterns of thought. It is a problem i am aware of, and i feel i am becoming more cognizant of when these errors occur. Still, i did screw up, words-wise, and i don't want there to be any confusion for any readers of this blog, so i wanted to be sure to clarify the issue.

Specifically - He owns all i am, all i have, all i strive to be, physically, mentally and spiritually. It is for His pleasure that i do as He commands. i am learning (slowly, yes, and at times, in a terribly roundabout way) how best to please Him. That is my goal and my desire.

So - as i've said, the point of this trip is to reinforce the learning i've done so far, and to lay the groundwork for further lessons. i honestly do not know exactly what my Sir will ask of me, what He will want me to learn, what behaviors He will want me to perform - or to refrain from performing. 

i DO know that one of the most important tasks i can complete is to keep the proper attitude of openness, obedience, and respect. i have faith that i will be kept safe from harm - my Sir has promised me this - so i am fairly sure that the major challenges i will face will involve learning to put aside my own will in favor of my Sir's dictates. And that, i do confess, has been very difficult at times for me. i think it's only natural that we all want to have our own way; it isn't easy or comfortable to put aside the things we want (or the things we think we want) and to fulfill another's desires, instead. But as the submissive, that is exactly my role; at least, as i understand it thus far. By fulfilling my Sir's needs and desires first, to His satisfaction, i in turn have my own needs and desires fulfilled. And yes, i have needs and desires, some of which are fairly easy to name, and some of which have been buried so deep that i cannot even find the words to express them. 

i guess what i've been trying to say is, i fully expect to be challenged; what i'm less sure of is whether i will meet those challenges or, perhaps, fail to meet some of them. So i will do my best to quell the nervous butterflies and simply take each task as it comes, and let my time with my Sir unfold as He pleases. Wish me luck......





Comments are welcome. Just please be respectful of any other opinions expressed. Thank you.

 









 

Back on track

--- frank sexual discussion ---


So after all the drama of this week, my Sir and i are planning a couple of days away to reinforce what i've learned through this and to help cement my new lessons..... my attitude is good, my outlook is good, and i want to make sure i keep on this path, now, as it finally feels comfortable and right.

Learning to let go of my fears, of my doubts, has been a huge challenge. Sometimes i still have concerns about how i will maintain my own sense of self on this journey. i still wonder if i'm going to be able to fully surrender my will, as a true submissive must. But now i know that missteps are not fatal, that concerns will be addressed, that even when i screw up there is reason to work through it and continue on.

Sir allowed me the privilege of a climax, a gift for my determination to work through my issues this week and to stubbornly hang on to the promise of safety and support He has given me, despite the fears that surfaced and threatened my peace of mind. And as i lay there, fingers dancing over my clit, my juices dripping from my pussy, He spoke to me, reaffirming His ownership of me, His promise of safety, His commitment to teach and to train me to serve with dignity and devotion, in a way that makes it pleasurable for us both, that gives us each what we need and desire. And when i finally was allowed to cum, it was made even sweeter by that promise. 

Will it be easy, or effortless? No. Learning and growing result in stretching of opinions, testing of boundaries, challenges to new levels of performance. But i know now that i truly do want to learn, to grow, to serve and to become. i'm grateful to my Sir for his leadership and his tutelage in my journey. 




As always, comments are welcome. Just please be respectful of other opinions expressed. Thank you.

Off the Beaten Path Again

Yup, 'tis true -- last night held more of the same frustrations and failures as yesterday morning. Having had a day to reflect on it, and a nice long conversation with my Sir, i've come to realize that there are 2 things, really, that get in the way of my progress on this journey:

Fear. And self-doubt.

Fear, while generally a good indicator for self-preservation, is not always rational nor necessary, and that seems to be where all of my major concerns fall - fear of failing. Fear of what others might think. Fear of disappointing my Sir. Fear of discovering that i'm not really cut out to be a submissive after all. Fear of being used/manipulated/abused/taken advantage of/whatever.

Then add to that my own self-doubts; things like, i'll never be good enough, never perform well enough, never BE enough... it's always more and more and more and i just can't do it.

Spin the two together and they feed each other..... fear leads to doubt which leads to more fear which leads to more doubt, and finally the whole thing blows up in a spectacular explosion of anger and bitterness. 

But - and here's the lesson i'm learning, every day, every day -- fears can be faced and overcome. Doubts can be proven false over time. That is what i'm striving for, that is what i'm working toward, so that one day i will be able to proudly say, i am His sub, and be confident in my standing and my ability to serve Him well.

Is there a road map for this?

Is it just me, or do most people view a journey as a smoothly-flowing linear progression?

And if that's true, then why is this journey of mine so filled with stops and starts, with backtracking and off-road detours and mud pits and out-of-gas splutterings?

i swear, i'm exhausted. i'm just so physically tired. i'm having trouble mustering any enthusiasm for today's stretch of road. In fact i've already veered off the path that's been laid before me and i know i'm in trouble for it. And i don't want to face it. My immediate gut reaction, actually, was kind of a "i'm already in trouble, so i'll compound it" kind of thing. Now, thank God, i haven't actually DONE anything worthy of further chastisement. But the thought was there, the whole defeatist kind of "whatever; i don't care" attitude.

And i'm really stymied by it, because yesterday went so well. i felt good about my mental state, my Sir seemed pleased with me, i was happy. This morning i woke up and i just felt off, disconnected, in a fog, really. My morning coffee didn't help, so it isn't a caffeine thing; my breakfast toast didn't fix it, so it isn't a low-blood-sugar issue; a nice hot shower didn't perk me up. And yet i failed to complete a task given by my Sir (which is why i know i'm in trouble). It was not a particularly onerous task, either, so why i wasn't able to follow through on it is so frustrating. i did admit my failure up front - no hiding it for later -  and i'm not afraid that i'll be beaten or anything terrible like that. 

i'd really love to have a Do-over button -- just press it and rewind the day so i have another shot at getting it right, you know?




And for any readers out there, your comments are welcome. They can even be anonymous. Just be respectful of any other opinions expressed. Thank you.

Business as Usual

Just a quick post this evening....

i'm better today. i'm SO much better today. i thought i probably would be..... this is what happens with me. I become overwhelmed, i flake out a bit, i pull back & retreat for a while, i take some time to let things settle in my head, & then i'm ready to try again.

And that's where i am - ready to try again.  :)

Churning

---- frank sexual discussion ---


Where, oh where shall I start today?

I have been really struggling the past few days with how to merge the sexually submissive side of me with the need I have to be strong and self-sufficient....... I guess I still seem to equate "submissive" with "weak."--> And that is a problem. I won't be able to fully let go of control if I can't get past that mindset. 

Here's what I mean: I was engaged with my Sir this morning and I just kept taking everything He said in the wrong way, and I first tried to argue, then just clammed up. At one point I felt like He was chastising me, and I hadn't done anything wrong, and I just couldn't do it anymore. I just could not sit there all meek and quiet when I felt like I was being attacked for no reason, and I turned away from my Sir so that He would not see me cry. Ugh. I was so overwhelmed and unbalanced, and I just found it impossible to continue. I worry that I will be lost in this, that the essence of me will disappear. I know it's not really true, but lately I can't seem to help feeling this way. It's very, very hard, and I am really having a bad time with it. 

Another issue I'm having is the expectation that I will do whatever I am told, whenever I am told, with no questions or hesitation. For the life of me I cannot willingly make that commitment. And I know it isn’t making Sir happy, but I just cannot bring myself to do it. God only knows what I’ll be told to do….. I’m terrified.  Not only of what the task might be, but because by failing the task I’ll be failing Sir as well. 

The third problem I’m having was brought out today. I was with Sir, and He had me fill His pussy (remember, all I have and am belongs to Him) with a dozen ice cubes – very, very cold, and not much room in there – then seal it with my anal plug. Once that was accomplished, I was told to play with my clit and bring myself close to climax, but I wasn’t allowed to cum. Once I was riding that knife's edge - kept on the verge of orgasm but not being allowed to fall over - He started talking, in a loud firm voice, telling me I would be used for His pleasure, that I would be His perfect slut, that He could do whatever he wanted to me and I would accept it, that I am a dirty slut..... and I knew He wanted me to say "Yes, Sir" to all of it, and I did, but in my head I was calling Him a fucking bastard. My self-esteem already sucks, I don't need to be called derogatory names. That doesn't make me want to be His, really. I'm not in this to be insulted or abused or humiliated. 

Like I said, I am really struggling with this. I'm sure things will seem better tomorrow, and perhaps I'll be able to say all of it - and mean it - before too much longer. But right now, today, I can't do it. I've cried over it, thought about it, put it away for a while. I don't want to quit, and I don't want to fail; I DO want to succeed and to feel safe and protected and know I have pleased my Sir. I'm not giving up..... but God, this is hard.

Bonus time

--- warning: frank sexual content ---


My Sir says that i have been doing well with my daily tasks, and that i have putting forth a good effort to comply with His directives. It is very satisfying to hear that from Him, as i feel i have been trying really hard to become more submissive in the ways that He wants me to.

Does that mean it is easy, or comes without struggle? Umm, NO. It means, rather, that i have been persevering even when it's hard or it hurts or it scares me or it doesn't make sense to me right away. And yes, i have experienced all of those emotions along the way. i still have so, so far to go ...... 

But Sir offered me a reward ... or an enticement, i suppose you could say. He knows this is a busy challenging very-short-on-time week for me, so He granted me a boon: i am allowed to bring myself to climax, once, either today or tomorrow, whilst thinking of Him. And He did not restrict me on choice of toys, either.

So this morning, after my bath, i prepared for my daily training task of kneeling in position for 10 minutes. God, it hurt today!! My legs were already tired from last night's work shift (several more to go this week) and it was really, really hard to stay in position. i did have to shift my weight several times when the discomfort reached a bad point, and when the time was up, i laid on the floor with tears in my eyes while the numbness faded and the sharp tingling of the suddenly full-force blood flow worked its way through my legs and feet. Add to that, i am also training with my new bit gag, which i'm really struggling with..... i gagged so hard today i actually brought up a bit of my breakfast. Ugh. 

Once i had more or less recovered, i decided to make use of Sir's offer. i retrieved my vibrator and picked up the bit, then laid down on my bed. i fastened the bit back into place and then spent a couple of minutes just trying to relax, playing with my nipples and imagining Sir's fingers rolling them, pinching them, teasing them to taut peaks. Mmmm. i could feel my body beginning to become excited, relaxing a little bit, my legs falling open. The bit bothered me and i gagged again, but not so hard as before, and i was able to ride out that feeling and keep it in place. 

Once i felt fairly in control of the bit again, i picked up the vibrator and brought it between my legs, using the tip of it to rub over my clit, rubbing in little circles, then long slow glides, then circles again. In my mind i was picturing my Sir's fingers playing there, teasing my clit and stroking my pussy. My breathing picked up and i was wetter now, the vibrator becoming lubed up as i slid it back and forth along my pussy lips, picking up my juices and becoming slicker, feeling silky and wet and warm against my clit. i kept teasing myself like that, feeling the urge to cum growing, then easing, as i played, getting stronger each time, and me chanting in the back of my head to prolong the feeling, since i only had permission to cum one time.

The gag was really bothering me at this point. i spit it out to take a break for a minute, but i never managed to replace it. Things moved a little quicker than i had planned on.

i flipped the vibrator on, the little rabbit ears, and turned it so they were humming straight on my clit. i didn't penetrate myself at that point because i was planning to tease myself a little, then use the vibrator to fuck my pussy til i came. But what really happened was, when those little ears touched me, i immediately imagined Sir's tongue there, lapping at me, suckling me, tapping and licking and rubbing, and my orgasm came on so fast i didn't have any chance of stopping it. It swept over me like a flash flood, leaving me panting and frankly, a little bewildered. Huh. That was unexpected. i actually felt robbed for a second.

i admit that i was tempted to wait a couple minutes and then have another round, but my Sir told me once, only, and even if He wouldn't know, i would, and i couldn't keep that from Him. So instead i got up and cleaned everything up and tucked it all away so i wouldn't disobey. And the knowledge that i had kept to Sir's dictates felt almost as good as another orgasm would have. i'll be honest - that kind of self-denial isn't fun, nor easy, but i usually feel better when i stay within the parameters.