Step One

Umm, OK, here's step one --

I'm not really sure why the idea of being a sexual submissive is so appealing to me, other than it mirrors the way I live the other aspects of my life as well. I'm pretty submissive in all areas, really, deferring to others nearly all the time, preferring to take a background role in any kind of group setting. I'll never be the center of attention & I prefer it that way.

  The odd/weird/strange/funny part of it is, I have been actively working on changing the passive part of me, the side that lets other people set the agenda. For too long I have allowed others to set my limits. And I have had bad experiences because of it. It's been a long arduous process to begin to set my own goals, to look beyond what I've always done, to persevere in the face of others' disapproval or doubt or disappointment.

And maybe that's where I start to get into trouble - "passive" is not the same as "submissive." I seem to have equated the two, when they are not the same at all. So a big part of my journey toward submission will have to involve separating the two concepts, learning to realize that submission is not weakness or laziness or passivity or a loss of self. And that is the part I have really been struggling with. When I give up control, do I lose myself? Do I become less human, less valuable?