Lessons

--- warning - blog contains sexual content ---

This week my Sir has been working on lessons in obedience and attitude with me. This blog, actually, is a weekly (or more frequently) assignment, given to me by Sir to chronicle my journey toward sexual submission and to share my discoveries, struggles, growth, and progress to that end.

i've been given 3 daily tasks, also: 1. kneel in position (knees apart, hands on my thighs, palms up, head bowed to my chest - and i must be nude) for 3 minutes, gradually working up to 10 minutes; 2. insert an ice cube in my vagina every morning upon waking, so that i think of Him first thing; and 3.  memorize a poem written by my Sir to remind me of my expected attitude and obedience to Him, and to reflect on the poem when i go to bed at night, so that He is the last thing on my mind before i sleep.  So far i have carried out my tasks as assigned every day. It feels good when i report to my Sir that i have complied and he praises me for it.

Now - please don't assume that this has been easy for me. i have a tendency, still, to question the need or the point of each task and to argue with everything. It drives Sir crazy, i know it does, and yet part of me is helpless to stop. Still, i am trying..... the main problem, i think, is my fear that my becoming totally submissive to Sir means that the essence of ME disappears. If i give up all control, as is the goal of perfect submission, what happens to my own will, my own thoughts, my own ability to decide? And as i am naturally a sub personality - meaning, i let people walk over me rather than fight with them - will this type of sexual submissive training carry over and make me even more of a door mat?

My Sir has assured me that that is not the point, and that, in fact, i am to be totally submissive to Him alone; that in other areas of my life, i am to stand up for myself and not let others take advantage. That is, in its way, even harder than letting myself be completely under Sir's control. It's an odd dichotomy, i know; i see it in myself. Why would i cave so easily on things that i really don't want to give in on, and yet fight the things i do want? i'm a walking contradiction, and my actions, unfortunately, don't seem to match up to my words. As a result, i was frustrated and unhappy in nearly every aspect of my life, feeling out-of-sorts with myself. And sexually - well, any partners i'd had never understood my needs - hell, even i didn't understand them - and i was frustrated and unsatisfied there, as well.

Which brings me back to my training now. In taking me on, my Sir has His hands full, i am afraid. Still, i have progressed in even this short amount of time..... at least, He says so, and i'd like to believe Him. i'm learning that it is better for me to bite my tongue and simply be silent, instead of automatically arguing with Sir when He gives me commands. And i certainly still mess up when He asks me something and i give the wrong answer. For example - the other day my Sir asked if i'd like to cum for Him. i asked Him if that was what He wanted, and He asked me again what i wanted. i answered carelessly that i didn't feel the need. At the time, i did not realize that i had erred; i thought i simply answered honestly. He let it go, but the next day, when He asked me again, i said yes. He brought me right to the edge of orgasm and then stopped, leaving me squirming with need, and i was told that i was not allowed to finish myself off. That was my punishment for not complying with his request the previous day. Oh, that hurt - that whole-body need to climax, being denied right on the edge of completion. 

Once i got past that sharp edge and my breathing was mostly under control again, Sir told me why He had punished me. And then He forbade me from cumming at any time in the future without His express permission. Was i happy about that? Of course not! But - and here is where i know i have progressed - instead of whining or arguing with Him, i simply said that i understood that i was wrong, that i realized i deserved to be punished, and that i would not complain about it. He was pleased with my attitude - the respectful, accepting behavior which had so far been absent in me - and as a reward, i was allowed to lie back and finger myself until i came, and not just once, nor twice, but three times. What a reward! And all for simply accepting a correction instead of fighting about it. 

That was a big step for me, even though on paper it may not seem like much. Does this mean i will never again argue? Unfortunately, probably not. But it did give me a taste of the benefits of obedience, the rewards which are given when my attitude is right. And it felt very satisfying when He praised me. 

To further my training in compliance, i was given another position, this one called "display". When my Sir tells me to display, i am to kneel on the floor, facing away from Him, lay my chest and face on the floor and spread my ass cheeks with my hands. And there i am to remain until He tells me i can move. i have practiced it, and let me tell you, it is not an easy position to achieve nor to maintain. i  thought my neck might break, the first time, but my Sir was watching and i did not want to disappoint Him. So i bit my tongue and simply did the best i could. i hope, with further practice, that i can find a more tolerable way to support my weight in this position. 

Oh, i guess i haven't yet addressed the whole "Sir" title. It's taken me quite a while to use it properly, and sometimes i still don't say it as i should. Sir has told me to just use it all the time, but i still forget it, too often. i'm lucky that my Sir is tolerant with me about it,  though i suspect He will soon (as in, immediately after reading this) begin taking me to task when i goof up about it from here on out. i'm lucky with my Sir in many respects, actually, in that He and i knew each other a long time ago, so He understands my personality and my issues and He has been really good about training me at a pace i can handle without being too overwhelmed. Now, that's not to say that He doesn't push me - He does, a lot!! - and sometimes i think i will break. Part of that is my own fears surfacing again and my tendency to fight with Him, usually unnecessarily, but part of that is that He DOES push too much, sometimes.               

But, i have to say, when i am obedient and compliant and things between us are humming, we really do mesh well. My sexually submissive nature really shows itself when He gives me commands and i follow them. For example, a few days ago i was kneeling for Him and He was watching me, and i could feel myself becoming wet. i've never been an exhibitionist, ever, so i don't think it was Him watching that did it; i believe it was my own obedience and the knowledge that He was pleased that excited me. And that was a learning experience for me, as well; i had not realized i would react that way. i imagine that will be explored, along with my other training.