--- frank sexual discussion ---
I think it's time for me to blog about where I am in this journey toward submission. I've been actively seeking out and learning how to become a sexual submissive for about a year, give or take, and in that arguably short amount of time, I can see that I've come a long way - but there is still a long way to go on this, my chosen path.
I suppose it's fair to say that I've always had submissive tendencies. By that I mean, I tend to surrender in an argument, to avoid too much conflict; I rarely have a strong opinion on where to go eat or what to go do or what movie to see. I "go with the flow." I've always been a follower.
It's only been in the past several years that I felt drawn to exploring those submissive tendencies in a sexual way. And it's only been in the past couple years or so that I've been able to actually act on some of those wishes.
One thing I would like to say, right up front, is that I am not a slave. I am a willing submissive, yes; and I strive to comply with my dominant's orders to the best of my ability. And when in session with my dom (I refer to him as Sir, or Master, depending on his mood) I do surrender control to him. He sets the pace, he sets the tone, he chooses what we do and when we do it. However - and this is, for me, the crux of it - I still do have input. There are boundaries in place, which have been agreed upon in advance. I have a safe word, a specific word I can say to immediately call a halt to an activity or situation I feel seriously threatened by, or if I feel I am in peril. Thankfully, I have never had to use it. I have, however, been pushed past a breaking point, and Sir is in tune with me such that he realized it and ceased the activity before I had to utter the word.
That relationship is key - a sub has to be able to completely, totally, and utterly trust the dom. The sub has to know, to feel, to believe, that the dom is not only concerned with his (I use the masculine here only because that's my situation; the trust factor has to apply equally in any situation) own pleasure, but in ensuring that the sub is pleased as well. The sub has to know that the dom will not allow harm to befall her.
For me, then, submission is as much about me getting what I want and need, and in exchange, I give my Sir what he wants and needs. (That's true of any healthy relationship, is it not?) Following Sir's commands, and placing myself in his hands, literally, frees me from the burden of being in control and having to make the decisions. And I find that I enjoy that sense of freedom. I don't have to plan, I just have to feel and experience and be. It may seem contradictory, but I feel freest when I am bound to a bed. I am most liberated when kneeling at his feet. And honestly - when he is fingering me, and ordering me to hold off from cumming, even though I'm right there and I want to cum, regardless, he is fully focused on me, fully engaged with me, and I have his full attention. And I really like that.
Now - I am definitely not saying that submission is easy. It is not a simple matter to trust someone enough that I can place my whole self in their care. And I do think, if the sub is not a strong person to start with, it could be too easy to cross a line where a selfish dom can take advantage of the sub, to the sub's detriment. For me, though, sexual submission is a continuation and an expansion of my natural tendencies. It does not make me a door mat, nor a plaything, to be pulled out for the dom's convenience and then shoved aside once he's had his fill. There are all kinds of unbalanced, abusive relationships out there; my sex life is not one of them.
Feel free, dear reader, to comment or ask questions, if you like. I can only attest to my own experience, but I will answer if you truly wish to know.
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