This is an adult blog, containing graphic and detailed descriptions of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Read at your own risk.
It's been a few weeks since I've written here. Master seemed less than pleased about my last blog, where I expressed some dissatisfaction with the names/labels he uses for me. Part of me wanted to defend myself ... that part of me seems to get me in trouble a lot. And part of me caved, because I just don't have the energy to be in conflict for long.
It goes deeper than the names (though I'm adamant about the nuances and meaning of words; we have so very many for a reason, after all). Lately I've been feeling a lot of ambivalence, a lack of identity, a "what the hell am I doing?" kind of uncertainty with this whole submission thing. I'm not excited about it, I'm not eager about it, I don't wake up all thrilled that I have tasks to complete. Master has been really streaky - sometimes he's available, sometimes he's not, sometimes he acknowledges me, sometimes he doesn't - and I am pulling away so I can pretend it doesn't bother me.
I'm having a hard time believing my worth, since it's been quite a while since he's told me I'm important to him. I'm having a hard time "feeling" submissive; it's actually kinda painful. I am trying to keep my cool, to approach this challenging time by reminding myself it won't always be like this, that eventually it will "click" for me again and then I'll be glad I fought through it. But oh, it is such a slog right now.
