This is an adult blog, containing graphic and detailed descriptions of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Read at your own risk.
Wow, it has been a long time, hasn't it? More than 4 months .... Makes you wonder if I've been bored, or crazy-busy, or what. The truth is, some of everything, I guess. That's just life.
However - Master and I had the opportunity for some time away recently, and as a result of some discussion, there've been some changes made. Taking his cue from some throw-away comment I made, he decided to remove all current restrictions, tasks, and other guidelines he had previously put into place. At the time, I did not realize the impact these items had on my daily life. Let me see if I can list them, so you see what I mean:
-- No orgasms without permission.
-- No wearing a bra without permission. White cotton undergarments are preferred. No panties worn on Thursday, except if I'm on my period.
-- Maintain a chart of foods eaten and ounces of water consumed daily. Strive for 64 oz. of water daily. Incorporate 2 servings each of veggies and fruits each day. Take a 20-minute walk every day. No coffee and no soda allowed. Tea is acceptable, any flavor. No table sugar; sweeten with Stevia.
-- Maintain Master's property in the manner he prefers. Keep personal areas shaved smooth, keep hair cut short.
-- Every night, recite my 7-stanza devotion when I get into bed. Finger Master's pussy during recitation. No cumming.
-- Om Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, wear an anal plug for a minimum of 3 hours.
-- On Friday, perform deep throating training, which is video'ed and sent to Master for critique.
-- Do not wear any necklace which interferes with my collar. My collar is to be prominent, and worn at all times.
-- Refer to Master by his title, unless told to use his given name.
Honestly, I'm not sure this is the entire list. Some things have become so ingrained that I don't know if I've overlooked them, since they are just what I automatically do.
Anyway, in the nearly 2 weeks which have passed, I have discovered a previously uncertain truth: these behaviors, while useful and pleasing to Master, do not make or break my submission. My acceptance of them, my willingness to comply, and my attitude about service, do. I freely admit, my attitude has been a big struggle for me at times. Some of these tasks are not easy for me, and some are downright unpleasant. I did always comply to the best of my ability, and yes, my ability has waxed and waned sometimes. My tasks have changed as time has passed, as Master learns what works with me, what he sees as areas I need to show growth in, as he guides me on my submissive journey.
I will say, I have definitely taken advantage of the lack of restrictions. I've cum several times (bliss), had plenty of coffee (though I have settled into a one cup per day routine), drank far too much soda (still working on toning that down), skipped the plug & the training (never my favorites). I have not, and will not, remove my collar, however. Just because I may not HAVE to wear it, now, doesn't mean I CAN'T, if I so choose. And I still refer to Master as Master, because that just seems appropriate.
Perhaps this is what Master is trying to teach me - that submission isn't truly, or only, about the outward behavior, but more properly the attitude and the willing spirit to allow him to be in charge of me, to trust his guidance, to comply with his requests not only "because a good sub should," but because in the long run, willing submission benefits me as much as it does him.
Friday, May 6, 2016
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
another year winding down .....
This is an adult blog, containing graphic and detailed descriptions of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Read at your own risk.
So here we are, just a couple days to go in 2015, and I have to say, in many ways I'm glad to see the year end. In other ways, I wish it could have lasted longer. Same thing as every year, I suppose.
Master had instituted a new task schedule for me - not sure if I mentioned it in my last post or not. Three days a week, now, I am to wear my new anal plug for 3 hours, and just once a week I am to work on my throating with Charlie (my realistic dildo). And more recently He has instructed me to get in a daily 20-minute walk. Honestly, that one is tough to do, and I have not always succeeded. He knows there have been some severe challenges in life lately, but I am really trying to follow through on His directives.
Today when I reported my completed tasks, He asked if I was enjoying this new plug. I replied that "enjoy" is perhaps too strong a word (let's be honest: I have never in my life woken up one morning and thought, I would love to spend the day with my ass plugged), but that I don't hate it - not the way I hate some of the other plugs He's had me try. They were just impossible.
The walking task is the hardest for me to handle. Every single day is a tall order, and as I mentioned, I don't always succeed. It's something I'm working toward, for sure.
And speaking of things to work toward - time to trot out the obligatory New Year's resolutions, yes?
My only real goal for 2016 is to refine my submissive journey. What does that mean, exactly? It means accepting Master's directives for my physical well-being - exercise and diet recommendations; it means working to mold my will to His as much as possible; it means learning to keep control of my temper when His ideas do not mesh with mine; it means discerning if I'm still on track to learn and grow, or if changes need to be made. Mostly it means living my submission in such a way that one year from now, I don't look back with regrets. :)
So here we are, just a couple days to go in 2015, and I have to say, in many ways I'm glad to see the year end. In other ways, I wish it could have lasted longer. Same thing as every year, I suppose.
Master had instituted a new task schedule for me - not sure if I mentioned it in my last post or not. Three days a week, now, I am to wear my new anal plug for 3 hours, and just once a week I am to work on my throating with Charlie (my realistic dildo). And more recently He has instructed me to get in a daily 20-minute walk. Honestly, that one is tough to do, and I have not always succeeded. He knows there have been some severe challenges in life lately, but I am really trying to follow through on His directives.
Today when I reported my completed tasks, He asked if I was enjoying this new plug. I replied that "enjoy" is perhaps too strong a word (let's be honest: I have never in my life woken up one morning and thought, I would love to spend the day with my ass plugged), but that I don't hate it - not the way I hate some of the other plugs He's had me try. They were just impossible.
The walking task is the hardest for me to handle. Every single day is a tall order, and as I mentioned, I don't always succeed. It's something I'm working toward, for sure.
And speaking of things to work toward - time to trot out the obligatory New Year's resolutions, yes?
My only real goal for 2016 is to refine my submissive journey. What does that mean, exactly? It means accepting Master's directives for my physical well-being - exercise and diet recommendations; it means working to mold my will to His as much as possible; it means learning to keep control of my temper when His ideas do not mesh with mine; it means discerning if I'm still on track to learn and grow, or if changes need to be made. Mostly it means living my submission in such a way that one year from now, I don't look back with regrets. :)
Friday, December 4, 2015
Sing, Ho, for the life of a bear! - Or, I wish I were Winnie the Pooh
This is an adult blog, containing graphic and detailed descriptions of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Read at your own risk.
Seriously - Winnie the Pooh is awesome!! All he does is eat, sleep, say silly things, eat, get himself into troublesome situations, eat some more - and Christopher Robin loves him anyway.
So really, being Pooh would be great. :)
Hmm ... looking back on what I've just written, it occurs to me that I have more in common with good old Pooh than I thought. And not just because we're both squishy in the middle.
Just today, for example, Master and I were in a Skype session, and I thought it was going rather well. I logged in on time, had my plug inserted per Master's request, had my cuffs on, things were rocking and rolling. Aaaannndd, then my big mouth ran away with me and I got into trouble. Which I then compounded by arguing with him. Say silly things, get into trouble ......
Even several states away and through a computer screen, Master scares me sometimes.
And yes, he put me through some uncomfortable things to assert his authority, and he was not happy with me. I felt rather like a child who'd been told to go stand in the corner. You know, that guilty feeling, that embarrassment? Yeah, that. And I deserved it, to be sure, I'm not saying I didn't. The kicker of it is, he'd told me to watch my mouth on several prior occasions, and I'd had to be punished for it just this past summer. So why in hell did I not remember all those lessons, and shoot my mouth off and interrupt him? It drives him absolutely crazy, I know it does. I certainly know better than to be rude, so why was I?
I find that submitting to Master sexually is far easier, and far more enjoyable, to be honest, than submitting in other areas of my life. I don't always WANT to not wear panties on Thursdays, but that is his wish. I don't always WANT to track my food and water intake, but that's his wish. I don't necessarily WANT to train each week by deep-throating a dildo, nor do I WANT to spend 3 days a week with an anal plug in place; but those are his wishes. And I don't WANT to sit there all quiet and demure while he's lecturing me or outlining his expectations for yet another task or whatever the case may be.
I find, since I feel so comfortable with him, that I treat him like anyone else, an equal, someone I don't mind interrupting because we're that close. And I forget, in those moments, that we are NOT equals. This dynamic is a power exchange. I have agreed to surrender control to him, and he has agreed to responsibly exercise that control in order to carefully mold me into his idea of a perfect submissive. He's told me many, many times - "Bent, not broken." But the bending process can hurt, both mentally and physically, and sometimes it scares me. Most of the time, the majority of the time, I believe, I do comply with his dictates. But I am human, and prone to error; I am not always secure, which leads me to read more into his statements than what's really there; I have a need to be right, which causes me to argue for my cause even before I know exactly what I'm arguing about.
Winnie the Pooh may have a simpler life, but I think I am happier with my own after all, even in the times when I'm smarting from (yet another) lesson.
Seriously - Winnie the Pooh is awesome!! All he does is eat, sleep, say silly things, eat, get himself into troublesome situations, eat some more - and Christopher Robin loves him anyway.
So really, being Pooh would be great. :)
Hmm ... looking back on what I've just written, it occurs to me that I have more in common with good old Pooh than I thought. And not just because we're both squishy in the middle.
Just today, for example, Master and I were in a Skype session, and I thought it was going rather well. I logged in on time, had my plug inserted per Master's request, had my cuffs on, things were rocking and rolling. Aaaannndd, then my big mouth ran away with me and I got into trouble. Which I then compounded by arguing with him. Say silly things, get into trouble ......
Even several states away and through a computer screen, Master scares me sometimes.
And yes, he put me through some uncomfortable things to assert his authority, and he was not happy with me. I felt rather like a child who'd been told to go stand in the corner. You know, that guilty feeling, that embarrassment? Yeah, that. And I deserved it, to be sure, I'm not saying I didn't. The kicker of it is, he'd told me to watch my mouth on several prior occasions, and I'd had to be punished for it just this past summer. So why in hell did I not remember all those lessons, and shoot my mouth off and interrupt him? It drives him absolutely crazy, I know it does. I certainly know better than to be rude, so why was I?
I find that submitting to Master sexually is far easier, and far more enjoyable, to be honest, than submitting in other areas of my life. I don't always WANT to not wear panties on Thursdays, but that is his wish. I don't always WANT to track my food and water intake, but that's his wish. I don't necessarily WANT to train each week by deep-throating a dildo, nor do I WANT to spend 3 days a week with an anal plug in place; but those are his wishes. And I don't WANT to sit there all quiet and demure while he's lecturing me or outlining his expectations for yet another task or whatever the case may be.
I find, since I feel so comfortable with him, that I treat him like anyone else, an equal, someone I don't mind interrupting because we're that close. And I forget, in those moments, that we are NOT equals. This dynamic is a power exchange. I have agreed to surrender control to him, and he has agreed to responsibly exercise that control in order to carefully mold me into his idea of a perfect submissive. He's told me many, many times - "Bent, not broken." But the bending process can hurt, both mentally and physically, and sometimes it scares me. Most of the time, the majority of the time, I believe, I do comply with his dictates. But I am human, and prone to error; I am not always secure, which leads me to read more into his statements than what's really there; I have a need to be right, which causes me to argue for my cause even before I know exactly what I'm arguing about.
Winnie the Pooh may have a simpler life, but I think I am happier with my own after all, even in the times when I'm smarting from (yet another) lesson.
Thursday, November 12, 2015
New task
This is an adult blog, containing graphic and detailed descriptions of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Read at your own risk.
Master has given me a new task - or rather, instituted a renewal of a very old one, with a new implement.
He has long wanted me to become able to wear an anal plug for several hours at a time, but I have never been able to manage it. I have 2 plugs, one a pliable red, the other a slightly larger, firmer black with less "give." I hate them both. They hurt like a bitch going in, it takes me forever to get them seated, and I am very limited in what I can do, because I find they are so very uncomfortable I can't really stand up straight or walk around much, and worst of all, I tend to "lose" them. Yes, they work themselves right back out, and I almost always end up dirtying my clothes, never mind the towels I keep right nearby.
Trying to get used to wearing a plug is one of the first tasks Master ever gave me, way back when, and I tried. I really did. I found that I could only tolerate them for any length of time - and I mean, 30 minutes to an hour or so - if I was able to either lie on my bed the whole time, or possibly sit on a kitchen chair. Either way they were always painful and messy, and the aftermath of wearing one, between the pain, the bleeding (I almost always bled a little), and the clean-up left me crying more times than I care to admit, most recently about 4 weeks ago. Ugh.
Then Master told me about a different type of plug, often called a Princess plug. These are shorter, made of metal, so very smooth, and the base has a jewel, so they're actually kind of pretty. I wasn't thrilled, I'll be honest, but he really wants me to do this, so I researched and purchased one.
I have to tell you, the difference is like night and day. It's SO much easier to insert, needing far less lube, and the shorter length is so much more comfortable. I have very little discomfort and I can walk around and move and not feel like it's going to pop out at any second. I'll be honest, it isn't perfect; the setting of the jewel is quite pretty to look at but the edges really dig into me and it's really painful after about 45 minutes. I have managed to last an hour with it in place, and it's really hard to imagine keeping it in for longer than that, since it almost feels like it's cutting into me. Ouch, ouch.
The company that made my plug also makes a style which they claim is designed for long wear times, with a smaller, thicker jewel setting, so I've ordered one of those. I'm anxious to see if it really is more comfortable to wear, as I know Master really wants me to be able to tolerate it for several hours at a time.
I'm not crazy about the idea, I'll be honest; I have to go to the bathroom more often than that, and it's not going to be fun having to keep cleaning and reinserting it all the time. Still, if the new plug I've ordered is as much an improvement as the current one, I will be one happy sub.
Master has given me a new task - or rather, instituted a renewal of a very old one, with a new implement.
He has long wanted me to become able to wear an anal plug for several hours at a time, but I have never been able to manage it. I have 2 plugs, one a pliable red, the other a slightly larger, firmer black with less "give." I hate them both. They hurt like a bitch going in, it takes me forever to get them seated, and I am very limited in what I can do, because I find they are so very uncomfortable I can't really stand up straight or walk around much, and worst of all, I tend to "lose" them. Yes, they work themselves right back out, and I almost always end up dirtying my clothes, never mind the towels I keep right nearby.
Trying to get used to wearing a plug is one of the first tasks Master ever gave me, way back when, and I tried. I really did. I found that I could only tolerate them for any length of time - and I mean, 30 minutes to an hour or so - if I was able to either lie on my bed the whole time, or possibly sit on a kitchen chair. Either way they were always painful and messy, and the aftermath of wearing one, between the pain, the bleeding (I almost always bled a little), and the clean-up left me crying more times than I care to admit, most recently about 4 weeks ago. Ugh.
Then Master told me about a different type of plug, often called a Princess plug. These are shorter, made of metal, so very smooth, and the base has a jewel, so they're actually kind of pretty. I wasn't thrilled, I'll be honest, but he really wants me to do this, so I researched and purchased one.
I have to tell you, the difference is like night and day. It's SO much easier to insert, needing far less lube, and the shorter length is so much more comfortable. I have very little discomfort and I can walk around and move and not feel like it's going to pop out at any second. I'll be honest, it isn't perfect; the setting of the jewel is quite pretty to look at but the edges really dig into me and it's really painful after about 45 minutes. I have managed to last an hour with it in place, and it's really hard to imagine keeping it in for longer than that, since it almost feels like it's cutting into me. Ouch, ouch.
The company that made my plug also makes a style which they claim is designed for long wear times, with a smaller, thicker jewel setting, so I've ordered one of those. I'm anxious to see if it really is more comfortable to wear, as I know Master really wants me to be able to tolerate it for several hours at a time.
I'm not crazy about the idea, I'll be honest; I have to go to the bathroom more often than that, and it's not going to be fun having to keep cleaning and reinserting it all the time. Still, if the new plug I've ordered is as much an improvement as the current one, I will be one happy sub.
Monday, November 2, 2015
Melancholy
This is an adult blog, containing graphic and detailed descriptions of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Read at your own risk.
So Master arranged for us to have some quality time a few weeks ago - and I almost blew it. I mean, like, majorly. He'd trussed me in some ropes and inserted an anal hook - only the second time we'd used it, so it was new, and I was tied so tightly I could hardly move. And when he ordered me to suck him, well, I had a hell of a time trying to comply. When I bent over, the hook felt like it was trying to come out through my spine. I just could not find a way to reach without pain, and after a few minutes I lost my mind.
Looking back, I feel silly, and stupid, and horribly embarrassed by how badly I reacted. It was a major, major breach of behavior. I can't stand to think of it.
And now, 3 weeks past my meltdown, I don't feel like I've recovered. Or at least, I'm not confident in my ability to submit completely. Master and I haven't really discussed it so I'm not sure of his position, either, and uncertainty always makes me unsettled.
At this point, I can think of other ways I could have - or should have - handled my issue. If a similar situation ever occurs, I hope I've learned enough to be rational about it, instead of flying off the handle.
At Master's behest I have ordered a new implement. More on that when it arrives.
So Master arranged for us to have some quality time a few weeks ago - and I almost blew it. I mean, like, majorly. He'd trussed me in some ropes and inserted an anal hook - only the second time we'd used it, so it was new, and I was tied so tightly I could hardly move. And when he ordered me to suck him, well, I had a hell of a time trying to comply. When I bent over, the hook felt like it was trying to come out through my spine. I just could not find a way to reach without pain, and after a few minutes I lost my mind.
Looking back, I feel silly, and stupid, and horribly embarrassed by how badly I reacted. It was a major, major breach of behavior. I can't stand to think of it.
And now, 3 weeks past my meltdown, I don't feel like I've recovered. Or at least, I'm not confident in my ability to submit completely. Master and I haven't really discussed it so I'm not sure of his position, either, and uncertainty always makes me unsettled.
At this point, I can think of other ways I could have - or should have - handled my issue. If a similar situation ever occurs, I hope I've learned enough to be rational about it, instead of flying off the handle.
At Master's behest I have ordered a new implement. More on that when it arrives.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
September 8
This is an adult blog, containing graphic and detailed descriptions of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Read at your own risk.
It's been a few weeks since I've written here. Master seemed less than pleased about my last blog, where I expressed some dissatisfaction with the names/labels he uses for me. Part of me wanted to defend myself ... that part of me seems to get me in trouble a lot. And part of me caved, because I just don't have the energy to be in conflict for long.
It goes deeper than the names (though I'm adamant about the nuances and meaning of words; we have so very many for a reason, after all). Lately I've been feeling a lot of ambivalence, a lack of identity, a "what the hell am I doing?" kind of uncertainty with this whole submission thing. I'm not excited about it, I'm not eager about it, I don't wake up all thrilled that I have tasks to complete. Master has been really streaky - sometimes he's available, sometimes he's not, sometimes he acknowledges me, sometimes he doesn't - and I am pulling away so I can pretend it doesn't bother me.
I'm having a hard time believing my worth, since it's been quite a while since he's told me I'm important to him. I'm having a hard time "feeling" submissive; it's actually kinda painful. I am trying to keep my cool, to approach this challenging time by reminding myself it won't always be like this, that eventually it will "click" for me again and then I'll be glad I fought through it. But oh, it is such a slog right now.
It's been a few weeks since I've written here. Master seemed less than pleased about my last blog, where I expressed some dissatisfaction with the names/labels he uses for me. Part of me wanted to defend myself ... that part of me seems to get me in trouble a lot. And part of me caved, because I just don't have the energy to be in conflict for long.
It goes deeper than the names (though I'm adamant about the nuances and meaning of words; we have so very many for a reason, after all). Lately I've been feeling a lot of ambivalence, a lack of identity, a "what the hell am I doing?" kind of uncertainty with this whole submission thing. I'm not excited about it, I'm not eager about it, I don't wake up all thrilled that I have tasks to complete. Master has been really streaky - sometimes he's available, sometimes he's not, sometimes he acknowledges me, sometimes he doesn't - and I am pulling away so I can pretend it doesn't bother me.
I'm having a hard time believing my worth, since it's been quite a while since he's told me I'm important to him. I'm having a hard time "feeling" submissive; it's actually kinda painful. I am trying to keep my cool, to approach this challenging time by reminding myself it won't always be like this, that eventually it will "click" for me again and then I'll be glad I fought through it. But oh, it is such a slog right now.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Labels
This is an adult blog, containing graphic and detailed descriptions of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Read at your own risk.
I've been doing some web-surfing over the past week or so, and I keep seeing labels like "submissive," or "bottom," or "slave," or "pet," or even "toy." There are others, of course, but I see these most frequently in my perusal.
Shakespeare aside ("A rose by any other name would smell as sweet"), too often, in my opinion, these labels carry too much weight. Why can't a person be all of these, or none of them, or a mix, or slip between them as their circumstances shift? Why lock yourself into one category, or one way of behaving?
Personally, I've flirted with them all, I think. Except perhaps for "slave," which I find a bit abhorrent, to be honest. I'm not judging, please; but it's a term I have a lot of trouble finding positive. I mean, given how horrible slavery has been all throughout history, I find it difficult that anyone would willingly agree to true, full slavery. I know there are folks who identify themselves with that title, so perhaps I'm missing the appeal.
Sometimes I don't think any of them really apply to me. I've already voiced my objections to "slave," and some of the others have the same type of dehumanizing vibe to them, like "toy." I'm not comfortable relegating myself to being an inanimate object, a plaything, akin to a piece of furniture. Master is fond of telling me that "they're only words," but really, words are important. That's why I have so much trouble with these labels.
Perhaps part of the reason I'm struggling with a label is that I haven't settled into any of them, so I can't identify. I'm submissive, yes, sometimes; Master calls me "pet," but I don't spend my days on my hands and knees, drinking water from a bowl or vocalizing only in yips or meows. I can do that for short periods, but I cannot see it as a full-time pursuit. "Bottom?" Hmm. Perhaps. That term is generally applied to someone who takes the submissive role for short, focused periods of time, such as for a sexual encounter or perhaps a play scene. I definitely see the appeal of this; participating in a power exchange for a defined length of time, then stepping back into your usual mode of living.
Some days I feel like I could comfortably become someone who identifies as submissive on a full-time, continuous basis; on other days, I think there's no way I could ever live as a meek little sub who never questions her Master or fends for herself. Ugh, I don't know. Master (and yes, I have a Master, so obviously I'm more at ease with the idea of submission that my ramblings would indicate) would tell me I'm over-thinking it, I'm sure. But on the days when the mere idea of being meek and quiet (and unseen, which is my true fear, maybe) just seems impossible, I feel like I have to strike out and get to a place where I can breathe.
I've been doing some web-surfing over the past week or so, and I keep seeing labels like "submissive," or "bottom," or "slave," or "pet," or even "toy." There are others, of course, but I see these most frequently in my perusal.
Shakespeare aside ("A rose by any other name would smell as sweet"), too often, in my opinion, these labels carry too much weight. Why can't a person be all of these, or none of them, or a mix, or slip between them as their circumstances shift? Why lock yourself into one category, or one way of behaving?
Personally, I've flirted with them all, I think. Except perhaps for "slave," which I find a bit abhorrent, to be honest. I'm not judging, please; but it's a term I have a lot of trouble finding positive. I mean, given how horrible slavery has been all throughout history, I find it difficult that anyone would willingly agree to true, full slavery. I know there are folks who identify themselves with that title, so perhaps I'm missing the appeal.
Sometimes I don't think any of them really apply to me. I've already voiced my objections to "slave," and some of the others have the same type of dehumanizing vibe to them, like "toy." I'm not comfortable relegating myself to being an inanimate object, a plaything, akin to a piece of furniture. Master is fond of telling me that "they're only words," but really, words are important. That's why I have so much trouble with these labels.
Perhaps part of the reason I'm struggling with a label is that I haven't settled into any of them, so I can't identify. I'm submissive, yes, sometimes; Master calls me "pet," but I don't spend my days on my hands and knees, drinking water from a bowl or vocalizing only in yips or meows. I can do that for short periods, but I cannot see it as a full-time pursuit. "Bottom?" Hmm. Perhaps. That term is generally applied to someone who takes the submissive role for short, focused periods of time, such as for a sexual encounter or perhaps a play scene. I definitely see the appeal of this; participating in a power exchange for a defined length of time, then stepping back into your usual mode of living.
Some days I feel like I could comfortably become someone who identifies as submissive on a full-time, continuous basis; on other days, I think there's no way I could ever live as a meek little sub who never questions her Master or fends for herself. Ugh, I don't know. Master (and yes, I have a Master, so obviously I'm more at ease with the idea of submission that my ramblings would indicate) would tell me I'm over-thinking it, I'm sure. But on the days when the mere idea of being meek and quiet (and unseen, which is my true fear, maybe) just seems impossible, I feel like I have to strike out and get to a place where I can breathe.
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