Saturday, October 27, 2012

Weekend Wonderings

And it's Saturday...... i had the luxury of sleeping in quite late (which was wonderful!) and then i completed my daily ice cube task. Because i had slept so long, i was a little pressed for time, hurrying through my usual bath and dressing quickly. i was caught by surprise by a sudden rush of warm water flowing from Sir's pussy, drenching my panties. i had to make a quick wardrobe adjustment after that.

Having had this task for a few weeks now, i am aware that sometimes that kind of flood can happen. So i knew exactly what it was, but still - i was taken unawares by it today. Honestly, i can't say WHY it happens like that; when i first began this daily task, i figured i would experience a steady trickle of water as the ice cube melted, but in reality, that isn't how it happens for me. And generally, that feeling of warmth and wetness makes me feel like i want to have sex..... and it did that today. Hell, i've been walking around in a semi-horny state ever since i returned from my retreat. Sir has forbidden me from climaxing without His express permission, so i have not, shall we say, taken matters into my own hands. And in some ways, that ever-present achy feeling is pleasant; as the saying goes, Anticipation makes it even sweeter.  

And then again, an ache left unfulfilled too long becomes annoying, then uncomfortable, then frustrating. i am not there yet, of course. i am able to be distracted from my semi-arousal by keeping busy with work or chores or whatever, but it's getting stronger, i will admit. Sir has been quiet these past few days, which frankly, is more uncomfortable than my physical state. Just a short while ago i would have internalized that as being my fault; but i don't think that now. i will wait patiently and continue to carry out my tasks as instructed, hoping to earn Sir's approval for doing so. 

Friday, October 26, 2012

Adrift at Sea

So it's been a few days since i've returned from my retreat with Sir, and i've had time to resume my routine. Now, routine is not necessarily bad ... it depends on the reasons behind it. 

Am i using my routine as a tool to practice obedience? If so, it's a good thing. Am i using routine to hide, or because it's comfortable and safe? If so, then perhaps it's time to shake things up a bit. 

i think i have a little of both happening. i asked to continue with the ice cube every morning, because it really did make me think of Sir first thing. i find it safe, now, as well as a way to get my thoughts focused in the morning. The kneeling is more of a chore than anything, which i believe is a lesson in obedience, because it isn't fun or easy, even now. Reciting my devotion every night when i go to bed lets me think about Sir, and my choice to continue on my journey, every night before i go to sleep. 

i do recognize that my feelings about things change like the tides..... any change in the wind can cause me to re-evaluate where i stand. i'm working on maintaining a more even temperament, especially in regards to my submission. It is a choice that i have to make every day, sometimes every hour, especially when issues outside of sex crop up. In those cases it is not always in my best interests to play the submissive; sometimes i do have to stand firm on what i want, on what i'll accept, because otherwise i become a door mat and i get stepped on. Sexually, however, i find that sometimes those outside issues influence my willingness to be submissive, even though it should be separate, and even though i know better. i find myself reacting because of the baggage i'm carrying from outside, not strictly due to what's happening at the moment. This is something i've only recently recognized, and something i know i need to be more cognizant of, so i can identify when it's happening and redirect my actions more appropriately.

But i've also come to realize that i am only human, and sometimes i will err.  And as long as i accept whatever disciplinary action Sir deems appropriate and resolve to learn from my mistakes and keep moving on, i can let go of those missteps instead of obsessing over them and feeling like i will never be worthy of, or capable of, growing in submission. As long as i keep making progress, as long as i keep making the decision to submit, i will keep growing and learning and developing and becoming.    

Thursday, October 25, 2012

The Sound of Silence


My day has been anything but silent. The vast majority of our days are like that, i think ..... from the blaring of the alarm clock to the time we snap off the TV before bed, our ears are filled with a cacophony of sound. It's never just quiet. 

But sometimes a dose of silence is exactly what we need, to allow our minds to float free, to turn over issues or concerns, to take a break from the usual overload of noise that we are surrounded with. i had a bit of that this morning; a slice of time where the only noise i heard was the churning of the washer as it tumbled my clothes. i was able to sit with my thoughts, reflect on my recent time away with my Sir, re-evaluate my actions and responses, and see where i could have been better, done better. 

i'm not going to wallow in my errors or let myself fall off the path because i made a misstep or two. Yes, i made some mistakes; Sir has already corrected me about them, and i am able to keep moving ahead. This is something i do have trouble with, though. i tend to get bogged down when i err, becoming mired in self-recriminations and then feeling like i'll never "get" it, never be good enough. And once i'm convinced i won't be able to perform adequately, i get the "why even bother to try" syndrome, and i end up quitting.

Well, not this time. i have fought through too many of my fears and insecurities to just throw in the towel now. i may still have times where i feel overwhelmed, or that i can't succeed, or that it's all too much for me. And that's OK, as long as i regroup and keep moving forward. Sir has faith that i can do this; i will choose to believe that He is correct.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

One More Step, One More Day

So it's one day since i returned from my retreat with Sir, and i'm getting back into my routine -- an ice cube first thing in the morning, 10 minutes of kneeling, nude, in position at some point during the day, and reciting my devotion every night when i go to bed. After the challenges and the change of scenery on the retreat, i find a return to routine to be comforting. i don't mean to say that i like being in a rut! That isn't it.... but i do like the constancy of knowing what to expect. It makes me feel more secure.

i got some interesting news at my job today; i'm not yet sure if it's good interesting, or bad interesting. Time will tell, as it does for all things. And why do you care, i'm sure some readers are asking; why would i talk about something other than sex and submission? Because as the other aspects of my life ebb and flow, fall into confusion and then settle down again, i find that i need the structure of this submissive journey.  And that may seem contrary to what i've written before, especially all the mental struggles i've been having as to whether submission is actually something i can accomplish.  i learned, during my time away, that i am capable of it, as long as i stay out of my own way, as long as i don't over-think everything. And i am coming to believe that submission is not the same as weakness, nor fragility (though sometimes i do feel fragile, i'll admit). i'm learning, as i explore and train and stretch the boundaries of this aspect of my personality, that i am gaining strength in other areas, as well. 

Now - do i believe that this is all there is? Of course not!!! And even if i did, never fear; my Sir will be quick to point out that i have miles and miles and miles to go. i have merely taken the first few steps on this journey. There will be much to explore and to share as i continue on this path. One of the things my Sir has told me is, there is always something new to learn. i fully expect that He will keep pushing and challenging and testing me; i wear His token as a physical acknowledgement of His right to do so. The biggest stumbling block in this journey is me. However - knowing something, and living it are two entirely different things. The point of this whole journey is to bend those two concepts into one reality, so that i live, willingly and joyfully, that which i know.        



Comments are always welcome, but please, be respectful of any other opinions expressed. Thank you.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Upon Further Reflection

i am very glad i made the decision to continue in my journey to submission. i know i have a long, long way to go, and i also know it will not be an easy process. And yes, that scares me a little. By surrendering all control, i potentially open myself to situations or expectations i am not comfortable with or ready for or even willing to contemplate at this point in time. But i have to hold fast to the belief that in the end, all these growing pains will be worth it.

It helps immeasurably that my Sir told me that i did well on our retreat. That made me feel good, and helped ease some of my lingering doubts about my ability to serve in an acceptable way. i am discovering that this is baggage i carry from other aspects of my life - a belief that i am somehow defective, unworthy, unable to adequately perform. It both surprises and saddens me to realize how deep this streak of self-doubt runs in me.

My Sir introduced me to the cane on our retreat. He did nothing more than demonstrate how it would be used in the event that i totally failed Him, but i took that lesson seriously. And even during my mini-meltdown, the cane stayed in the corner. Sir was very generous with His slut in allowing me the time i needed to recover. i took that gift to heart - i brought the cane back with me, and i have it hanging in my closet where i will see it every day. Both the cane and my Sir's token are physical, tangible reminders to me, every single day, of my decision to serve, my commitment to learn, my desire to become my Sir's willing submissive.    

Advance and retreat

-- frank sexual discussion --



So my time away with my Sir is winding down, and i have both improved and backslid. i think i am ending on a good note, but honestly, there was a point yesterday when i lost it and nearly walked away. And my only excuse is that i panicked. Sir was not pleased. 

Long story short, Sir often reinforces His ownership and His expectations by speaking sternly to me while we are engaged in sexual situations, often while i am sucking Him, and of course i am to respond appropriately. Well, yesterday morning as He was speaking, He brought up an issue i have always been resistant to, and i just broke. i started to get up from the bed, spitting out some comment about how i was done, and He grabbed my arm and threw me back to the bed, pinning me down with a hand spanning my throat. And then He spoke, quietly but deadly serious, reminding me that i had willingly and voluntarily entered into this arrangement, that i had told Him i wanted to learn submission, that i had told Him i needed the structure, and that He had agreed to teach me. 

And He told me to lose my fucking attitude, because i was getting in my own way and allowing my fears to rule me. And i bit my tongue, because even though i hated to admit it, He was right, about all of it. i freely admit that i have so, so far to go, and so, so much to learn about service and devotion, and sometimes i despair of ever being able to truly accomplish it. But i swallowed, hard, and when He asked me if i regretted my choice, i said, No, Sir. And when He asked me if i wanted to continue the journey, i answered, Yes, Sir. After evaluating me critically for a short while, He accepted my answer, and we continued. 

But i think He recognized that i was simply overwhelmed at the moment, because the tone of the rest of the day was more relaxed. i was given the time to absorb that latest lesson, to mull it over, to ponder, then to accept and move on. And that is my pattern - i resist, i ponder, i accept and move forward. It is a process, a long, sometimes arduous process, but still i can see where progress is being made.

This morning when i awoke, i decided i was not going to quit, so i did what Sir has told me He wants, which is to wake Him with a morning blow job. i pulled Him into my mouth and began sucking Him, feeling His cock swelling in my mouth. And honestly, i had a terrible time with my gag reflex today; ugh, it was awful. But i did not quit, or say it was too hard. i gagged, choked, regrouped and dived in again, and it got a bit better. Sir seemed pleased with my initiative, but then He tested me. Or at least, it felt like a test to me. i was ordered to insert my anal plug before i would be allowed to continue sucking Him. He knows i really don't like like it - i really, really don't. But i complied, whimpering out some "Ow"'s when the plug stretched me. And then Sir told me i wasn't allowed to say Ow, so then i was silent as i pushed the plug past the painful part and into place. At that point i was allowed to resume sucking His cock, and He began repeating His lessons from yesterday, about what He owns and how He may use it, and i responded with the appropriate Yes, Sir.

At that point Sir had me remove the plug so He could have use of His ass (remember, He owns everything) and He fucked it and gifted it with His cum. Afterward, i cleaned Him off with my tongue, and we talked.  He asked me again if i wanted to continue, and i reiterated my wish to keep learning, to keep on this path i have chosen.

And then Sir honored me by presenting me with His token, a lovely silver chain i am to wear always, to remind myself daily of my commitment to serve and acceptance of His teachings. He knows (and i know He knows because He told me, in so many words) that i will screw up again, many times, but that the rewards will be worth the effort as long as i allow them to be. 

i'm clinging to that promise, because i do feel better, and more settled, and less frantic, when i comply and serve. My biggest stumbling block will be getting out of my own way, and learning that submission is actually a position of strength. That is the goal.  

Sunday, October 21, 2012

And Away We Go!

--- frank personal discussion ---



So today was Day One of my time away with my Sir, and i feel it has gone very well. i admit, there was a short span of time early in the afternoon when my brain was unsettled and i questioned my ability to please Him. i am very glad, however, that i fought back that twinge of doubt, because i proved to myself, today, that i am capable of serving. 

i arrived at Sir's retreat and presented myself at the door as i was told - wearing a long trench coat, a lavender half-bra and garter set with stockings, and strappy high-heeled shoes. He told me to take a few minutes to get myself settled, then i presented myself before Him and asked what He would have me do. From there my Sir was in control; He told me how to stand, how to kneel, what to do, even prompted me on what my proper responses were to be. And i liked it. Yes, there were a few things that my immediate gut reaction was to dismiss, but i was able to temper my behavior and follow through on His commands. And that is what i've been wondering about - would i be able to put aside my own instinctive thoughts and make a conscious choice to be obedient? Would i be willing to allow Him to have control over everything? Could i trust someone else enough to surrender to His whim, and be confident that i would be protected?

The happy answer is, yes. i was able to have all of that today. And not only did i feel good about my performance, but Sir also told me He was proud of me. That made me smile.  :)

One thing that really brings the point home is this: Sir has been telling me that He wanted me to answer the door (such as to admit a pizza delivery) wearing only my bra and garter set. i have been resisting that one, vehemently, on the grounds that He had told me He would not embarrass or humiliate me, and i felt that public nakedness does both. --  Hey, i'm not 100% comfortable with the contours of my frame, and i really did not want to  have anyone else see it, ok? -- Anyway, by the time the delivery person came around, i had performed well enough (and been praised by my Sir) that i was able to admit the delivery person in my skimpy attire. It was actually kind of funny to see how flustered the poor kid was (he really was young) and i felt surprisingly strong and forthright and confident afterward.

So i'm feeling good now, and happy, and well-settled, and i have high hopes that i will be able to be equally successful in the rest of my time with my Sir, and that i will be able to absorb the lessons He has planned for me. More to follow........



As always, comments are welcome. But please - be respectful of any other opinions expressed. Thank you.  

 

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Playdate's Eve

--- frank sexual discussion ---


You may recall that in my last post, i said that my Sir and i had planned a couple days away..... our time begins tomorrow. i am looking forward to the chance to spend some time away, without distraction, to reinforce the lessons i have so recently learned, to drive home the behavioral changes i have begun to make, to prove to myself that i am capable of learning to please my Sir. i am nervous, yes, especially in regards to my mental attitude; right now i am content and at peace, and i want it to stay that way. i am also eager, because Sir is generous with His rewards when i have earned them, and i do want to earn (and then enjoy!) them.

My Sir did point out an error i had made in my last post, one that was quite unintentional, but one that was made, nonetheless: i referred to His property as my own. i meant no disrespect, and in truth i do know and acknowledge His ownership. i was not being cheeky or disrespectful, nor was i trying to repudiate His claim. In fact, i am horrified by my misstatement. That is one area i do struggle with, at times, especially when trying to describe my own reactions; in attempting to fully convey my feelings and thoughts, i inadvertently slip into older patterns of thought. It is a problem i am aware of, and i feel i am becoming more cognizant of when these errors occur. Still, i did screw up, words-wise, and i don't want there to be any confusion for any readers of this blog, so i wanted to be sure to clarify the issue.

Specifically - He owns all i am, all i have, all i strive to be, physically, mentally and spiritually. It is for His pleasure that i do as He commands. i am learning (slowly, yes, and at times, in a terribly roundabout way) how best to please Him. That is my goal and my desire.

So - as i've said, the point of this trip is to reinforce the learning i've done so far, and to lay the groundwork for further lessons. i honestly do not know exactly what my Sir will ask of me, what He will want me to learn, what behaviors He will want me to perform - or to refrain from performing. 

i DO know that one of the most important tasks i can complete is to keep the proper attitude of openness, obedience, and respect. i have faith that i will be kept safe from harm - my Sir has promised me this - so i am fairly sure that the major challenges i will face will involve learning to put aside my own will in favor of my Sir's dictates. And that, i do confess, has been very difficult at times for me. i think it's only natural that we all want to have our own way; it isn't easy or comfortable to put aside the things we want (or the things we think we want) and to fulfill another's desires, instead. But as the submissive, that is exactly my role; at least, as i understand it thus far. By fulfilling my Sir's needs and desires first, to His satisfaction, i in turn have my own needs and desires fulfilled. And yes, i have needs and desires, some of which are fairly easy to name, and some of which have been buried so deep that i cannot even find the words to express them. 

i guess what i've been trying to say is, i fully expect to be challenged; what i'm less sure of is whether i will meet those challenges or, perhaps, fail to meet some of them. So i will do my best to quell the nervous butterflies and simply take each task as it comes, and let my time with my Sir unfold as He pleases. Wish me luck......





Comments are welcome. Just please be respectful of any other opinions expressed. Thank you.

 









 

Friday, October 19, 2012

Back on track

--- frank sexual discussion ---


So after all the drama of this week, my Sir and i are planning a couple of days away to reinforce what i've learned through this and to help cement my new lessons..... my attitude is good, my outlook is good, and i want to make sure i keep on this path, now, as it finally feels comfortable and right.

Learning to let go of my fears, of my doubts, has been a huge challenge. Sometimes i still have concerns about how i will maintain my own sense of self on this journey. i still wonder if i'm going to be able to fully surrender my will, as a true submissive must. But now i know that missteps are not fatal, that concerns will be addressed, that even when i screw up there is reason to work through it and continue on.

Sir allowed me the privilege of a climax, a gift for my determination to work through my issues this week and to stubbornly hang on to the promise of safety and support He has given me, despite the fears that surfaced and threatened my peace of mind. And as i lay there, fingers dancing over my clit, my juices dripping from my pussy, He spoke to me, reaffirming His ownership of me, His promise of safety, His commitment to teach and to train me to serve with dignity and devotion, in a way that makes it pleasurable for us both, that gives us each what we need and desire. And when i finally was allowed to cum, it was made even sweeter by that promise. 

Will it be easy, or effortless? No. Learning and growing result in stretching of opinions, testing of boundaries, challenges to new levels of performance. But i know now that i truly do want to learn, to grow, to serve and to become. i'm grateful to my Sir for his leadership and his tutelage in my journey. 




As always, comments are welcome. Just please be respectful of other opinions expressed. Thank you.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Off the Beaten Path Again

Yup, 'tis true -- last night held more of the same frustrations and failures as yesterday morning. Having had a day to reflect on it, and a nice long conversation with my Sir, i've come to realize that there are 2 things, really, that get in the way of my progress on this journey:

Fear. And self-doubt.

Fear, while generally a good indicator for self-preservation, is not always rational nor necessary, and that seems to be where all of my major concerns fall - fear of failing. Fear of what others might think. Fear of disappointing my Sir. Fear of discovering that i'm not really cut out to be a submissive after all. Fear of being used/manipulated/abused/taken advantage of/whatever.

Then add to that my own self-doubts; things like, i'll never be good enough, never perform well enough, never BE enough... it's always more and more and more and i just can't do it.

Spin the two together and they feed each other..... fear leads to doubt which leads to more fear which leads to more doubt, and finally the whole thing blows up in a spectacular explosion of anger and bitterness. 

But - and here's the lesson i'm learning, every day, every day -- fears can be faced and overcome. Doubts can be proven false over time. That is what i'm striving for, that is what i'm working toward, so that one day i will be able to proudly say, i am His sub, and be confident in my standing and my ability to serve Him well.


Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Is there a road map for this?

Is it just me, or do most people view a journey as a smoothly-flowing linear progression?

And if that's true, then why is this journey of mine so filled with stops and starts, with backtracking and off-road detours and mud pits and out-of-gas splutterings?

i swear, i'm exhausted. i'm just so physically tired. i'm having trouble mustering any enthusiasm for today's stretch of road. In fact i've already veered off the path that's been laid before me and i know i'm in trouble for it. And i don't want to face it. My immediate gut reaction, actually, was kind of a "i'm already in trouble, so i'll compound it" kind of thing. Now, thank God, i haven't actually DONE anything worthy of further chastisement. But the thought was there, the whole defeatist kind of "whatever; i don't care" attitude.

And i'm really stymied by it, because yesterday went so well. i felt good about my mental state, my Sir seemed pleased with me, i was happy. This morning i woke up and i just felt off, disconnected, in a fog, really. My morning coffee didn't help, so it isn't a caffeine thing; my breakfast toast didn't fix it, so it isn't a low-blood-sugar issue; a nice hot shower didn't perk me up. And yet i failed to complete a task given by my Sir (which is why i know i'm in trouble). It was not a particularly onerous task, either, so why i wasn't able to follow through on it is so frustrating. i did admit my failure up front - no hiding it for later -  and i'm not afraid that i'll be beaten or anything terrible like that. 

i'd really love to have a Do-over button -- just press it and rewind the day so i have another shot at getting it right, you know?




And for any readers out there, your comments are welcome. They can even be anonymous. Just be respectful of any other opinions expressed. Thank you.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Business as Usual

Just a quick post this evening....

i'm better today. i'm SO much better today. i thought i probably would be..... this is what happens with me. I become overwhelmed, i flake out a bit, i pull back & retreat for a while, i take some time to let things settle in my head, & then i'm ready to try again.

And that's where i am - ready to try again.  :)

Friday, October 12, 2012

Churning

---- frank sexual discussion ---


Where, oh where shall I start today?

I have been really struggling the past few days with how to merge the sexually submissive side of me with the need I have to be strong and self-sufficient....... I guess I still seem to equate "submissive" with "weak."--> And that is a problem. I won't be able to fully let go of control if I can't get past that mindset. 

Here's what I mean: I was engaged with my Sir this morning and I just kept taking everything He said in the wrong way, and I first tried to argue, then just clammed up. At one point I felt like He was chastising me, and I hadn't done anything wrong, and I just couldn't do it anymore. I just could not sit there all meek and quiet when I felt like I was being attacked for no reason, and I turned away from my Sir so that He would not see me cry. Ugh. I was so overwhelmed and unbalanced, and I just found it impossible to continue. I worry that I will be lost in this, that the essence of me will disappear. I know it's not really true, but lately I can't seem to help feeling this way. It's very, very hard, and I am really having a bad time with it. 

Another issue I'm having is the expectation that I will do whatever I am told, whenever I am told, with no questions or hesitation. For the life of me I cannot willingly make that commitment. And I know it isn’t making Sir happy, but I just cannot bring myself to do it. God only knows what I’ll be told to do….. I’m terrified.  Not only of what the task might be, but because by failing the task I’ll be failing Sir as well. 

The third problem I’m having was brought out today. I was with Sir, and He had me fill His pussy (remember, all I have and am belongs to Him) with a dozen ice cubes – very, very cold, and not much room in there – then seal it with my anal plug. Once that was accomplished, I was told to play with my clit and bring myself close to climax, but I wasn’t allowed to cum. Once I was riding that knife's edge - kept on the verge of orgasm but not being allowed to fall over - He started talking, in a loud firm voice, telling me I would be used for His pleasure, that I would be His perfect slut, that He could do whatever he wanted to me and I would accept it, that I am a dirty slut..... and I knew He wanted me to say "Yes, Sir" to all of it, and I did, but in my head I was calling Him a fucking bastard. My self-esteem already sucks, I don't need to be called derogatory names. That doesn't make me want to be His, really. I'm not in this to be insulted or abused or humiliated. 

Like I said, I am really struggling with this. I'm sure things will seem better tomorrow, and perhaps I'll be able to say all of it - and mean it - before too much longer. But right now, today, I can't do it. I've cried over it, thought about it, put it away for a while. I don't want to quit, and I don't want to fail; I DO want to succeed and to feel safe and protected and know I have pleased my Sir. I'm not giving up..... but God, this is hard.



Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Bonus time

--- warning: frank sexual content ---


My Sir says that i have been doing well with my daily tasks, and that i have putting forth a good effort to comply with His directives. It is very satisfying to hear that from Him, as i feel i have been trying really hard to become more submissive in the ways that He wants me to.

Does that mean it is easy, or comes without struggle? Umm, NO. It means, rather, that i have been persevering even when it's hard or it hurts or it scares me or it doesn't make sense to me right away. And yes, i have experienced all of those emotions along the way. i still have so, so far to go ...... 

But Sir offered me a reward ... or an enticement, i suppose you could say. He knows this is a busy challenging very-short-on-time week for me, so He granted me a boon: i am allowed to bring myself to climax, once, either today or tomorrow, whilst thinking of Him. And He did not restrict me on choice of toys, either.

So this morning, after my bath, i prepared for my daily training task of kneeling in position for 10 minutes. God, it hurt today!! My legs were already tired from last night's work shift (several more to go this week) and it was really, really hard to stay in position. i did have to shift my weight several times when the discomfort reached a bad point, and when the time was up, i laid on the floor with tears in my eyes while the numbness faded and the sharp tingling of the suddenly full-force blood flow worked its way through my legs and feet. Add to that, i am also training with my new bit gag, which i'm really struggling with..... i gagged so hard today i actually brought up a bit of my breakfast. Ugh. 

Once i had more or less recovered, i decided to make use of Sir's offer. i retrieved my vibrator and picked up the bit, then laid down on my bed. i fastened the bit back into place and then spent a couple of minutes just trying to relax, playing with my nipples and imagining Sir's fingers rolling them, pinching them, teasing them to taut peaks. Mmmm. i could feel my body beginning to become excited, relaxing a little bit, my legs falling open. The bit bothered me and i gagged again, but not so hard as before, and i was able to ride out that feeling and keep it in place. 

Once i felt fairly in control of the bit again, i picked up the vibrator and brought it between my legs, using the tip of it to rub over my clit, rubbing in little circles, then long slow glides, then circles again. In my mind i was picturing my Sir's fingers playing there, teasing my clit and stroking my pussy. My breathing picked up and i was wetter now, the vibrator becoming lubed up as i slid it back and forth along my pussy lips, picking up my juices and becoming slicker, feeling silky and wet and warm against my clit. i kept teasing myself like that, feeling the urge to cum growing, then easing, as i played, getting stronger each time, and me chanting in the back of my head to prolong the feeling, since i only had permission to cum one time.

The gag was really bothering me at this point. i spit it out to take a break for a minute, but i never managed to replace it. Things moved a little quicker than i had planned on.

i flipped the vibrator on, the little rabbit ears, and turned it so they were humming straight on my clit. i didn't penetrate myself at that point because i was planning to tease myself a little, then use the vibrator to fuck my pussy til i came. But what really happened was, when those little ears touched me, i immediately imagined Sir's tongue there, lapping at me, suckling me, tapping and licking and rubbing, and my orgasm came on so fast i didn't have any chance of stopping it. It swept over me like a flash flood, leaving me panting and frankly, a little bewildered. Huh. That was unexpected. i actually felt robbed for a second.

i admit that i was tempted to wait a couple minutes and then have another round, but my Sir told me once, only, and even if He wouldn't know, i would, and i couldn't keep that from Him. So instead i got up and cleaned everything up and tucked it all away so i wouldn't disobey. And the knowledge that i had kept to Sir's dictates felt almost as good as another orgasm would have. i'll be honest - that kind of self-denial isn't fun, nor easy, but i usually feel better when i stay within the parameters.    




   

Friday, October 5, 2012

Crime and Punishment

----- warning: explicit sexual content ------



So i screwed up this morning ..... i have mentioned my daily ice cube task in previous blogs, but today i neglected to send my confirmation email to my Sir, telling him i had completed said task.  i have no excuse, either; i simply allowed myself to become distracted with everything else i had going on, and so, i forgot.

But that error was a punishable offense. Which i knew, because that was explained to me by my Sir when i accepted the task. But again, it slipped my mind, and so i screwed up. And when i saw my Sir, He mentioned my mistake. i did not try to invent an excuse, because i knew i had messed up and i knew He was right to point out my error, but i was still punished for it.

Punishment can take many forms .... it's not always about pain or deprivation. Sometimes it's overkill.

One thing you need to know right off is, Sir owns my person - physically, mentally, spiritually. All i am and have belongs to Him.  He will refer to my body as His, my pussy as His, my ass as His.

i was ordered to retrieve several items - 7 ice cubes, an anal plug and lube, a towel, and a vibrator. First i had to insert the plug. Sir knows i really don't like it, but because He told me to, i did. Then i had to insert all 7 ice cubes into my vagina. Damn, that was so cold! And once i had accomplished that, i had to use the vibrator to force the ice in as deep as possible. With the plug in place in my ass, it was a pretty tight fit, and the initial stretch was a little uncomfortable. Add to that the cold factor - a deep inside aching kind of cold - and the trickle/rush/gush of melting ice water leaking from my pussy, and it wasn't very pleasant. At first. After a few minutes, as my body adjusted, I started getting turned on by it.

Sir told me to turn on the vibrator, and then i was ordered to fuck myself; Sir's exact orders were to "fuck My pussy." So i used the vibrator, pushing it in deep and pulling it back out, harder and faster, and i was really feeling that climb to orgasm..... and then i was told that i was not allowed to cum, but that i had to keep fucking myself while He watched. God, that was so hard! And it became physically painful, teetering on the edge of climax but biting my lips, my fingers, clenching my leg muscles to stop myself from cumming. And all the while Sir is talking to me, telling me, "Don't you DARE cum.... Don't you Dare......."

Finally i started babbling out apologies for my error, telling my Sir that i was His slut and i was sorry, and please please please could i cum, and finally He relented and allowed me. Wow, that orgasm was a strong one! i lay there panting, with the vibrator buzzing, when Sir started talking to me again. i was having a little trouble hearing Him, so without thinking, i turned the vibrator off.

Oops. i had not been told to do that. And that is exactly the kind of thoughtless action that keeps getting me into trouble. So once again Sir had to correct me; i fear i can be a slow learner. Damn. When Sir told me he was disappointed, i felt even worse.  This time He had me fuck myself again, but instead of preventing me from climaxing, i was told to do so repeatedly. That doesn't sound so bad, right? WRONG. Forcing an orgasm is difficult and draining and not at all fun, never mind having to do it more than once. And Sir was demanding, telling me over and over that i am His slut, i am to do what i am told, when i am told, and that i was to cum NOW. It was not pleasant, and by the time Sir decided i'd had enough, i was tired and a bit sore, and not in a good way.

Then He told me to recite my daily meditation for Him. I got tongue-tied and tripped over the words, so then i was told to display myself for Him, and recite again. This time i took a deep breath, centered my focus, and got it right. He had me stay in position for a few minutes before allowing me to sit up again.

Then He allowed me to speak and we talked about what had happened and why it happened, and once again His expectations were laid out for me. And honestly, once we talked and i realized my punishment was over and i was forgiven, i felt much better. Even though being punished is not fun, and i would certainly rather avoid it, i know that i need my Sir to be consistent with me. i need to know when i've strayed so i can learn to be a better sub. i do know that i have made progress, and part of the proof is the fact that i did not argue with my Sir when He told me i was going to be chastised. Still, as i said to my Sir, i am only human, and i will screw up again eventually..... i only hope i have progressed enough by then to accept His corrections with grace and devotion.   

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Rawhide

---- sexual content ----


Sometimes jumping in with both feet is the only way to do things. I tend NOT to do that - I plan and obsess and worry and fuss about the details and chew it to death before I make a move, and even then I second-guess myself along the way. I have sabotaged myself many a time by doubting my own capabilities. And if I do try something, but it doesn't work out quite as I had hoped, then I'm very reluctant to try anything further.

Still ... 

There IS something I want to do, to try, to experience, if my Sir will indulge me in this.

I want to be flogged.

Not whipped, not beaten, not struck down nor smacked around, but flogged. I want to feel the sting of the strands against my skin - leather, I think. I want to feel each strand caress my skin, tease my senses, trail over my clit & across my breasts. I want to know if I'll break out in goosebumps at the tickly-light sensation of those soft-yet-unfinished strands brushing over my body. I want to feel the thud of each lash, hear the "pop" of each swing, listen to the leather slapping my skin as I flinch and jump and bite my lip and utter sharp little cries of surprise and shock and discomfort. I want to feel the bite of each lash, across my ass, my back, my legs, inside my thighs, across my stomach and yes, even across my pussy. I want to know if the reality of it will make me wet, as the thought of it certainly does. I wonder if my skin will show a cross-hatch pattern when He is done, or if I'll end up with dozens of tiny little bruises, or none at all.    

Now - this wish of mine surprises even me, as I am staunchly against any type of pain. I do not equate being smacked around with a sexual turn-on. No, indeed. And yet...... and yet my mind keeps returning to this scenario, running through a few different permutations. For example - sometimes I imagine myself on my hands and knees, so the flogger targets mainly my ass and my back, though Sir also manages to get my sides. Sometimes I imagine myself lying on my back, my hands bound above my head, being struck on my stomach and legs and (more gently) my breasts and my pussy. In each case, though, the strength of the lash varies..... sometimes it's barely a whisper, sometimes it's a hard blow, but mostly it falls in the medium category, enough to redden my skin but not enough to break the skin or leave welts.

Perhaps if I am very good, my Sir will consider my request, and then I'll know the answers.